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This weeks weird news story:

Scientists Find Link Between Eating and Death


The day before Mother’s Day, Saturday May 7, 2005, scientists from the University of Queensland, in Australia, have publicly announced their findings. After eighteen years of ongoing research, these scientists believe they are on the brink of finally discovering the strange, yet apparent relationship between eating and death.


“We believe we are truly at the height of enlightenment in Australia,” said top research analysis Dr. Molly Moran who attended the University several years prior, “I’ve talked to my dad, a professor and researcher in the states. He believes that we are not only about to answer, but uncover the reason why people die.”


Picture of food - for those who are not sure what food is.


Other researchers nestled closely to the study have announced that Stage One of their research is complete. After studying mice, tarantulas and timid woodland creatures in the Outback, along with observing Homo Sapiens in several different countries, they have concluded that 99.997533% of all things that eat will die.


This unbelievable correlation has been thrown into the faces of Harvard Medical School’s ongoing study of twelve years. They’ve been trying to distinguish the opposite—that not eating causes death. They believe, according to their recently published reports, that not eating leads to “starvation,” where the body cannot support its own self, as there is no incoming or reusable energy source available for brain activity and organ function.


“Our study has been an effort of many. We don’t have any qualms with Harvard, per se, it’s just they weren’t on the right track,” continued Dr. Molly Moran, originally from Arkansas in the United States, “Our research is still only at the beginning, so the results are inconclusive. We are asking the Australian and United States governments to come together to generously support our need for funding. We predict, over the course of the next fifty years, that we’ll need roughly $400,000,000,000.00 U.S. dollars if we’re to finish our research and to save mankind.”


Scientists and civilians alike have already been affected by the findings. Many professors and researchers across the globe are reacting as if the world will end tomorrow. Professor Kevin Payne, Ph.D., a Chaos Theory Mathematician in the United States, doesn’t believe that there should be so much hype. “We’ve seen this in the past. All other people across the globe eat. I think the people at Harvard were onto something,” he stated.


On the other hand, other researchers standing beside Dr. Moran have been so worried that they’ve stopped eating completely. “The only thing I can get down is water and the occasional ice cream cone,” cried one researcher.


Mrs. Blyth Spyrit, an Australian Citizen, believes, “This is all a bunch of hooey gibber gabber. I’ve been eating for eighty-seven years and haven’t died yet. Heck, I’ve been drinking Jack Daniels for ten years, and eaten everything I can as of lately,” the elderly woman in a sequin sparkling gown and high heels rejoiced, “I’m far from death. It’s my time to enjoy life!”


Who really knows what these studies will lead to for the future? Perhaps Australia has reached a newer, higher realm of thought that will somehow predict the fate of mankind. There are still some discerning people out there who’d like to throw science by the wayside and simply enjoy life. However, the majority of us will follow this research well into the future. And, perhaps we will all eat a little less, hoping to catch a glimpse of tomorrow.


Correspondent Thomas Hollowell

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