The day before Mother’s Day,
Saturday May 7, 2005, scientists from the University of Queensland, in
Australia, have publicly announced their findings. After eighteen years of
ongoing research, these scientists believe they are on the brink of finally
discovering the strange, yet apparent relationship between eating and death.
“We believe we are truly at
the height of enlightenment in Australia,” said top research analysis Dr.
Molly Moran who attended the University several years prior, “I’ve talked to
my dad, a professor and researcher in the states. He believes that we are
not only about to answer, but uncover the reason why people die.”
Picture of food -
for those who are not sure what food is.
Other researchers nestled
closely to the study have announced that Stage One of their research is
complete. After studying mice, tarantulas and timid woodland creatures in
the Outback, along with observing Homo Sapiens in several different
countries, they have concluded that 99.997533% of all things that eat will
correlation has been thrown into the faces of Harvard Medical School’s
ongoing study of twelve years. They’ve been trying to distinguish the
opposite—that not eating causes death. They believe, according to their
recently published reports, that not eating leads to “starvation,” where the
body cannot support its own self, as there is no incoming or reusable energy
source available for brain activity and organ function.
“Our study has been an
effort of many. We don’t have any qualms with Harvard, per se, it’s just
they weren’t on the right track,” continued Dr. Molly Moran, originally from
Arkansas in the United States, “Our research is still only at the beginning,
so the results are inconclusive. We are asking the Australian and United
States governments to come together to generously support our need for
funding. We predict, over the course of the next fifty years, that we’ll
need roughly $400,000,000,000.00 U.S. dollars if we’re to finish our
research and to save mankind.”
Scientists and civilians
alike have already been affected by the findings. Many professors and
researchers across the globe are reacting as if the world will end tomorrow.
Professor Kevin Payne, Ph.D., a Chaos Theory Mathematician in the United
States, doesn’t believe that there should be so much hype. “We’ve seen this
in the past. All other people across the globe eat. I think the people at
Harvard were onto something,” he stated.
On the other hand, other
researchers standing beside Dr. Moran have been so worried that they’ve
stopped eating completely. “The only thing I can get down is water and the
occasional ice cream cone,” cried one researcher.
Mrs. Blyth Spyrit, an
Australian Citizen, believes, “This is all a bunch of hooey gibber gabber.
I’ve been eating for eighty-seven years and haven’t died yet. Heck, I’ve
been drinking Jack Daniels for ten years, and eaten everything I can as of
lately,” the elderly woman in a sequin sparkling gown and high heels
rejoiced, “I’m far from death. It’s my time to enjoy life!”
Who really knows what these
studies will lead to for the future? Perhaps Australia has reached a newer,
higher realm of thought that will somehow predict the fate of mankind. There
are still some discerning people out there who’d like to throw science by
the wayside and simply enjoy life. However, the majority of us will follow
this research well into the future. And, perhaps we will all eat a little
less, hoping to catch a glimpse of tomorrow.