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Spontaneous Human Combustion : Pavarotti Look Alike Found Extra Crispy


 Near Hyde Park, London, a man was found on Friday April 22, 2005 in his luxury top floor apartment burned beyond recognition. By the time the fire department responded, all that was found remaining was a smouldering heap of ash in an unscathed extra-large Lazyboy recliner, along with a left foot and right arm from the elbow down.


The prestigious Institute of Fire Engineers (IFE) was baffled. “We just don’t know what could’ve happened in there,” said a spokesman for the agency. “It’s like a bomb went off inside this guy and nothing else got touched around him.” The IFE flew in renowned fire science expert Carrie Holycross from the United States to investigate the scene. “After three days here,” said Ms. Holycross, “it seems that this case fits into the historical phenomena category.” When asked what she meant by “historical phenomena,” Ms. Holycross responded, “Don’t tell me that I have to say this on air. It seems that there’s only room here for us to extend our thinking further, to explore the possibility of Spontaneous Human Combustion. I’ve only touched on the subject before, now I’ve got to examine closely how this case might relate historically to other such reported cases.”


Too close to the gas oven or spontaneous human combustion?

Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) is described loosely as, ‘… a situation where the human body blisters, smokes or otherwise ignites in the absence of an external identifiable ignition source.’ The IFE has never credited only SHC to the cause death of any human in history. “We just don’t see how a body could burn, or ignite by itself,” continued the organization’s spokesman, “even more than what can be accomplished at a crematorium.”


“I called the Fire Department right away,” said the elderly Gertrude Dakine, a neighbor of the burn victim. “I never approached him, but I swore he was Luciano Pavarotti himself. I squealed like a schoolgirl when he walked by. He had an air of luxury about him. I’d even hear him sing. That Italian tenor, how angelic!” Other neighbors claimed that the man didn’t frequent his apartment often and that the elderly lady was in fact, a ‘basket case’.


The IFE’s had some initial concern that the victim could have been Mr. Pavarotti. “The pictures all looked like him,” said Ms. Holycross, “and he had all of Pavarotti’s music on CD.” The real Mr. Pavarotti didn’t respond to phone calls to his luxury villa in Italy, so DNA testing revealed, much to the operatic world’s relief, that the remains didn’t belong to the most famous of opera stars, but actually to one Michael Richard Clark III, who was said to be a Luciano Pavarotti impersonator, performing at Wigmore Hall for tourists and other visitors.


“We are still going to give this case the importance it deserves,” Ms. Holycross assured the concerned public and tenants near Hyde Park on BBC pointing to a small black duffel bag as she was shooing away stray cats at her feet. “We are going to take the remains of Mr. Clark back to the laboratory and find out what could’ve caused this mess. It’s been recorded throughout history. There are even pictures of these other cases. Perhaps it’s erratic lightning, static or an internal chemical imbalance. We may never know.”


Correspondent Thomas Hollowell

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