ALIEN FEASTS, FORGETS TO TIP
One of the greatest things about New York City is its diversity. While
walking down the center of Times Square, you might be drowned out by seven
or eight languages jabbering simultaneously.
New York City, which is absolutely busting at the seams with culture and
people, has only one question on its mind: how to make room for new,
uninvited guests—guests with an apparent craving for flesh.
“It’s not a question whether these things exist anymore,” said ex-Mayor
Giuliani in an un-televised press conference, “it’s now a question of what
to do about them; these visitors from some different galaxy,” he commented
referring to the April 13th UFO and alien sighting in Central Park.
The aliens, who appeared suddenly around six in the evening, were spotted in
what was thought to be an incoming weather balloon. The UFO, reportedly only
the size of three cars and incandescent in the light of dusk, “ … was
hovering twelve feet [four meters] above the ground for one or two minutes,
as a crew of joggers and we drunken hobos watched in amazement,” said one
witness of peculiar odor on the scene.
A hatch underneath the spaceship was said to have opened. “Out came this
thing that looked like it was dripping something off it,” said a banker
strolling in the park, “It came out and blinked at us for one or two
minutes. It’s eyelids came up from the bottom of its eyes. Then, it just
turned around, heading back to the ship, like it wasn’t interested in us
New Yorkers, some scared, and others excited about the revelation that we
are not alone in the universe threw parties in the streets all night long.
The city declared itself in a state of emergency. There wasn’t as much chaos
as what was thought would occur as the city’s new mayor, Mayor Bloomberg,
had hoped. It seemed the incident unified the people as humans, and made
people think differently about what being human was all about; that we are
all a part of one planet, not just different groups and cultures merely
co-habiting on some giant rock.
“Since the aliens haven’t returned and there’ve been no signs of them doing
so,” as reported by the Association in Line for Independent Extraterrestrial
Naturalization (ALIEN), overseen by Mr. Michael Riegelman, “I see no need
for uproar. It’s actually a time we should come together. Our organization
is working on a means by which we hope to send signals into outer space,
contacting our distant brethren, bringing them back—showing them we have a
lot more to offer.”
Others are also hopeful for their return. Many have set up camp in Central
Park where the scene took place. They too are hoping to catch just a
glimpse. “Just before the alien entered back into his spaceship,” continued
the same banker above, “an old lady with her poodle must have gotten to
close. The alien stepped back inside and as the hatch closed, the lady was
sucked inside the ship. We all held our breaths as the spaceship hovered
higher. Just as it disappeared into space, the old lady’s nightgown—her moo
moo, along with her dog’s pink sweater and leash parachuted down into the
grass. There was a note on it.” The note, now being auctioned on Ebay by Mr.
Riegelman and other ALIEN members in hopes for future funding, read, “Nice
planet. But, the take-out meals sure are crap.”