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HOW TO WASTE TIME EFFECTIVELY

Wasting time is an extremely important skill in this modern, fast-paced society. This skill is especially important if you are a government employee, as you can not only waste your own time, you can waste the time of many other people.

The Institute of Temporal Displacement has spent years in an exhaustive, and time-consuming study of the best methodologies for achieving the minimum benefit from the consumption of the maximum amount of time. Herewith are the highlights of that study:

(1) SLEEPING: Sleeping is one of the most effective ways to consume time with little benefit. We are not talking about regular sleeping at night, which is beneficial. We are talking about sleeping on the job, sleeping through concerts and other performances, and especially sleeping while driving to and from work.

(2) DOODLING: Taking notes is productive. Doodling is not. Thus, when you are supposed to be taking notes, such as while in class, draw little circles all over the pages, or circles and squares, or just squares. When you are done, count the number of circles or squares you have created. You will remember absolutely nothing about what was being said.

(3) DAY DREAMING: Day dreaming is a lost art. When it is not appropriate to be sleeping (such as while operating heavy equipment or piloting aircraft) the next best thing is the day dream. Think about your favorite beach. Hear the sound of the waves breaking on the beach. A beautiful young (pick your sex) walks by....

(4) READ THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD: A bona fide way to waste immense amounts of time is reading the Congressional Record. Not even congressmen read this.

(5) GET A NEW DRIVERS LICENSE: The most accomplished time wasters work in state offices that issue drivers licenses or hand out license plates and vehicle registrations. If you succeed in becoming an accomplished time waster, you might actually qualify for a job in one of these departments (though we're told these positions are hereditary). Anyway, at least a half day can be wasted by trying to get a driver's license. Even if it doesn't take this long, your boss will not question that it did, so you can use your free time to get an ice cream cone and wander through the park.

(6) WANDER THROUGH A PARK: Wandering through a public park is an excellent way to make hours vanish unproductively. However, do not feed the ducks or do this at night.

(7) GO TO A SAN DIEGO PADRES BASEBALL GAME: Hours will vanish without nary a reason to cheer.

(8) WATCH THE WEATHER CHANNEL: After the first 15 minutes, there is nothing of value, therefore this is an excellent way to waste time. Any of the other 50 or 60 channels on your cable system will also do.

(9) READ JUNK MAIL: You will be surprised how much time you can actually spend reading your junk mail, instead of instantly throwing it out the second you realize it is junk mail.

(10) SURF THE WORLD WIDE WEB: You're here, aren't you?

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