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How to Win Friends and Influence People - A Parody

Copyright Stuart Macfarlane

CHAPTER 2

“The Big Trick in Exploiting People.

( You can Fool All of the People All of the Time )”

There is only one way to get people to do what you want. Let me repeat that, underlined and in large bold type for dramatic effect. There is only one way to get people to do what you want. That’s right! There is only one way - you must make them think that by doing what you want they will get what they want. There is absolutely no other way - well apart from hypnosis, mind control, bribery, threat and force. But those are advanced techniques outwith the scope of this book ( watch out for the follow up book, “How to Win Enemies  by the Simple use of Hypnosis, Mind Control, Bribery, Threat and Force.” ) So staying with our basic techniques, the only way I can get you to do something is to make you think that you will benefit from doing it. For, like me, you are extremely selfish, conceited and greedy and will thus do anything to get what you want. To have control over someone you first need to know what their desires are. You must discover what they really want. With this knowledge you have the power to exploit them - for you know that they will do anything to get what they want.

Sigmund Fraud, achieved fame and fortune by claiming that everything you and I do is driven by two motives - the desire for sex and the desire to be great at sex. But Fraud was wrong –

a)     The sex urge is not strong. In fact most people would rather have a hamburger than sex (we will ignore, for now, those people who enjoy having sex with hamburgers). A recent survey showed that 70% of aspirins are taken by people who are pretending to have a headache in order to avoid having sex with their partner. The upshot of this survey was that aspirin manufacturers launched a mammoth advertising campaign which used the slogan “Aspirin - your alternative contraceptive pill.”

b)     People do not want to be great at sex ( right from their first sexual encounters most people realise that the whole business is tedious and stressful ) but what they do crave passionately is that others will think that they are great lovers.  A man may be such a pathetic lover that his partner reads, watches television and has root canal surgery during sex. He may be so inept that he even fakes his own orgasms. But if his mates greet him with “Here comes Super Stud” when he walks into his local pub he will be blissfully happy.

It was actually Fraud’s wife Nympho who summed up what really motivates people when she said of her husband, “He doesn’t actually believe any of this sex nonsense he talks about all the time. But he does know that his theories cause great controversy and thus make him rich and famous. Like all men he’s much better at talking about sex than performing sex.”

What then do people want? What are their greatest needs? In the 1960’s Abraham Maslow made a study of human psychology and developed his ‘hierarchy of needs.’ He postulated that there are basic physiological needs which must be satisfied - preservation of life, adequate food, a safe place to live ( preferably on a tropical beach surrounded by palm trees ) and sexual fulfilment. He conjectured that until a person has satisfied these basic needs he will be unable to pursue the higher desires of love, self respect and the need to feel important. Maslow claimed that “Until you know your life is not in danger, have had a decent Chinese meal, a few pints of Guiness and have partaken of your congenital rights you will have absolutely no interest in the score in the local football match.” When Maslow’s theory was first published it caused outrage and great embarrassment to many football players who suddenly realised, half way through a game, that they would be unable to continue playing unless they immediately had sex.

Much has changed since Maslow devised his theory and in the Ego~Age this hierarchy of needs has been turned completely upside down. Many would argue that to feel important is now a much more fundamental need than life itself. This longing to be important is what Fraud so eloquently described as the “I’ve got a bigger penis than you” syndrome. Or as Mrs Fraud wrote in a letter to her mum, “Sigy still shows no interest in sex. He stays up all night playing with his theories. He passionately believes that if he has bigger theories than all his friends he will be the most important philosopher of all time.”

This craving for importance sets us apart from the lowly animals. When I was a young farm boy my daddy kept a rare breed of pedigree Smokey-Bacon pig. We would travel all over the country to exhibit them at livestock shows. Despite my father’s enthusiasm he never won a single prize. The problem was that the pigs totally lacked ambition and had no desire to feel important. Often they would turn up just as a show was about to begin having spent the morning swigging beer and wallowing in the mud with their mates. Their shabby appearance and rude gestures ensured that the judges would not select them for prizes. The last straw came when they refused to wear little pink ribbons on their ears and protested that no self respecting pig would be seen dead with such adornments. The pigs didn’t care about winning prizes - but father did - so he shot the pigs, bought a little pig outfit for me and started exhibiting me at exhibitions. We were hugely successful and won hundreds of prizes. Father felt incredibly important and his success would have continued to flourish had it not been for the incident when I had to share a pen with a particularly amorous enormous hog. This incident left my father feeling quite disgraced but, I must admit, gave me a rather smug feeling of importance. We never entered another competition but the hog and I continue to exchange Christmas cards.

If our ancestors hadn’t felt the need to be considered important we would never have become civilised and would never have developed the sophistication which drives our desire to outdo our friends and neighbours by having bigger houses, cars, televisions and paper clips. Recent archeological finds have shown that as far back as Stone Age times Miss World beauty contests were popular and that many contestants had breast implants using large chunks of silicon rock in an attempt to win the contests. This practice became so popular that soon there was a world wide shortage of silicon. Ironically, this was the chief reason why the electronic industry, dependent on silicon to make it’s ‘chips’, was unable to develop properly until thousands of years later.

It has also been discovered that the Great Wall of China was built by Wim Pay and originally started as a twenty foot long garden wall. Wim began building a wall around his garden but got so carried away, trying to impress his neighbours, that he didn’t stop until it encompassed the entire country. Unfortunately, Wim had not applied for planning permission and was deported to England where he started a small house building company.

The desire to feel important has inspired many people to overcome great adversity and fulfill their dreams. It was such ambition that  compelled the young Charles Duckhens. Charles was orphaned at the age of two and left alone to struggle for survival by begging on the streets of London.  At the age of sixty, despite being illiterate and dyslexic he laboured for ten years to write his life story entitled “Oliver Tsiwt.” During these torturous years he went completely without food using the few pennies he received from begging to buy paper and pencils. When the manuscript was finally completed he sent it off to a massive multinational publishing corporation. Each day for the next nine months Charles paced up and down in the cardboard box he called home anxiously awaiting a reply. Eventually the post man arrived with a brown envelope. Eagerly Charles ripped it open and found inside his manuscript, returned with the words “NO UNSOLICITED MANUSCRIPTS ACCEPTED” stamped across the front page. Charles was ecstatic - his ambition had been achieved - at last someone had taken the trouble to write to him. He felt incredibly important.

Different things cause different people to feel important. Robin Hood for example got his satisfaction from robbing the rich and giving to the poor. He was so successful at this that soon the rich were poor and the poor were rich and he had to start robbing the poor to give to the rich. Being a shrewd businessman, as well as an accomplished outlaw, he kept 10% of all takings and soon became incredibly rich himself. This caused a great dichotomy and he eventually spent all his time robbing himself to give to himself.

Many young pop stars, according to P.C. P. C. Peesea, a former London police constable, “Are on a perennial ego trip and will go to incredible lengths to be arrested so that they can be photographed with well known criminals.” There have been numerous cases where these stars blatantly took drugs, committed sex offences and trashed hotels in order that they could satisfy their burning desire to feel important by being arrested.  P.C. P. C. Peesea explained “Once securely locked up in prison, alongside their favourite murderer or train robber, photo shoots and exclusive interviews are arranged to ensure front page coverage in the national papers.” This bizarre trend was confirmed by the Moderately Good train robber Bonnie Riggs who exclaimed “I ain’t sayin nothin till I see my lawyer.”

Amazingly, people frequently become invalids in order to gain sympathy and attention (and good parking places at supermarkets and cinemas).  Mr. I. Kanbrag, over a period of forty two hours, painstakingly sawed off both of his arms and legs because his wife, in a venomous display of disrespect, went off to the Bingo without waving goodbye. This was a particularly difficult task for Kanbrag because like all lawyers he was totally inept with any type of tool. He would have in fact been able to do the job in a fraction of the time had he been smart enough to use the sharp side of the saw and to cut off his legs before his arms.

The writer Mary Rhinoheart told me the story of a beautiful young woman who became an invalid in order to feel important. For years the only thing of importance in the young woman's life had been her beauty and she spent eighteen hours each day attending to her looks. Then one morning she spotted a freckle on her left cheek - an imperfection which she considered spoiled her beauty completely. Her world was destroyed. Having lost her pulchritude she needed to find some other way to feel important - she became ill and took to her bed. Now she could feel important again by having her 98 year old gran attend her every need. For the next ten years her old blind gran, despite having only one leg, climbed the ninety flights of stairs many times each day to tend to the young lady’s every whim. Then one day the old gran, weary of the arduous service, had herself transferred to a Russian Gulag where duties and conditions were less severe. Devastated by this event the young invalid languished for several moments and then arose from her bed. Looking in her mirror she realised that the freckle was only a crumb of bread and wiping it away she resumed her normal life once more.

When Charles Schwib became president of the United States Stool Company in 1921 he was one of the first people to earn an annual salary of $1,000,000, plus tips. This was a good salary in those days  - when average earnings were less than $1 per week and particularly since the company had a turnover of less than $70,000 a year. Why was he paid $3,000 a day ( $3,010 on days when tips were really good ) ? Not because he was a genius and certainly not because his uncle owned the company. Schwib had a talent. A talent that you too must nurture if you wish to be successful.  Schwib admitted that the only reason that he was paid such an absorbitantly high salary was because of his outstanding ability to deal effectively with people. All his life he kept his methods secret only revealing them to me on his deathbed. In his final exuberant words he told all. “I have a special aptitude for arousing enthusiasm in people,” he gasped,  “My greatest asset is my ability to let people think that I am interested in them and to make them feel that I appreciate them. This makes them feel important and they will then do anything I ask. Sometimes a worker would come to my office begging me to give him his first pay rise in 10 years. He would tell me stories of how his family could not afford food and would soon starve to death. By showing sympathy with his situation, giving him a good pat on the back and telling him what a wonderful job he was doing he would go away happy, feeling good about himself, committed to working an extra 20 hours a week for a reduced wage.”

When asked how other people could learn these methods, essential for survive in the Ego~Age, he replied enthusiastically, “They must read that marvellous book, ‘How to Win Enemies’  ..........    Aaaargh ....... now please .....  please let me have some water ........ aaaargh  .......  don’t torture me any more  ..........  aaaargh  .......... I’ve told you everything I can ........   plea....” And at that, sadly, he past away. Schwib knew that if you criticise people who work for you they will take their petty revenge by doing as little as possible. But by praising them you make them feel important and stupidly they will work harder and harder in an effort to please you. He summed it up in his saying, “Praise pays” and for Schwib it certainly did - $1,000,000 times over.

That was how Schwib got his people to work hard - but the average person is not so devious. Most think that they can get work done by bawling and shouting and criticising their subordinates. Certainly, there is a time and place for this type of management - it can after all be great fun. But you need to know which techniques to use and when to use them. As the old saying goes, “Once I did bad and got wrath and  abuse. / Twice I did good and my boss got promoted.” This is the crucial point - when your subordinates feel important they will work harder and it is you, not they, who will reap the rewards.

The ability to praise others is one of the main reasons for Andrew Carnegie Hall’s success. No matter how much Hall despised someone if he knew that he could benefit from praising him he could always find some words of praise and be able to express them in a convincing manner. Hall could even keep up the pretence after his death by writing his own epitaph, “Here lies one who surrounded himself with men cleverer than himself - I owe them so much.” Hall indeed owed them much $250 000 in fact in unpaid consultancy fees.

Appearing warm hearted and sincere was a method adopted by the great John D. Rockallfellows. Once a senior employee, at Rockallfellows Corporation, Edward T. Total, lost the firm almost $1,000,000 by going short on Champagne Futures just at the time when the market was planning a huge celebration party. Rockallfellows could have flown into a rage, criticised Total and fired him for his incompetence but instead he simply laughed hysterically and enthusiastically congratulated him on being able to salvage $50 of the money he had invested. Still smiling he informed Total that $50 would be the only salary that he would receive for the next 5 years.

I have among my many files marked, “Complete and Utter Lies” a story that probably is not true but will help to illustrate how New~Way techniques should be used. “Once upon a time there was a farm woman who  slaved every day over a hot stove to prepare a hearty meal for her menfolk. Each evening the men would come home, eat the meal, and without a word of thanks go off to the pub for a few beers. Furious at their lack of appreciation she, one day, set before them plates heaped high with hay. The men happily ate every strand of hay and told her how wonderful the meal had been. That evening rather than go out they stayed home, serenaded her with rugby songs and repeatedly told her how much they had enjoyed the meal. From that day on the woman reverted to cooking her usual hearty meals and never complained again.Let’s analyse this situation and find the deep and meaningful moral. Were the farm workers remarkably astute? Did they have an understanding of reverse psychology? Did they realise that the woman despised them so much that it would take much more than praise, a bouquet of flowers and tickets to the opera to change her views? Did they calculate that by saying that they enjoyed eating hay the woman would never give it to them again out of spite? No - the farm workers simply liked eating hay.

Some time ago a study revealed that the main reason that women left their husbands was “lack of appreciation.” It also showed a similar situation for men. Most men left their wives because they, “appreciated sexy young nymphs more than their nagging old wives.” We often take our spouses for granted. So remember they too must be exploited if you are truly to achieve happiness and success.

Recently I heard about a group of women who started a self improvement programme. Coming home from a meeting, full of enthusiasm, one of the women asked her husband to help her by writing a list of things she could do to become a better wife. The man was surprised by this request but dutifully sat up all night long working on the list. By morning he had filled seventy six notebooks with all the things that his wife did which irritated him. As he heard his wife awaken he suddenly realised that the criticism would hurt and upset her. Hurriedly he threw the notebooks into the fire. Taking his wife breakfast in bed he kissed her and told her that despite struggling all night he could not find a single fault in her. Later that day when the woman arrived home from work what do you think she found? That’s right. Nothing ! The husband, realising for the first time what a dreadful wife she was, had run off taking every piece of furniture with him. It was on hearing this story that I fully realised the power of praise. If the man had simply confronted his wife with his list there would have been bitter resentment, long drawn out arguments, and ultimately when all the crockery was broken an expensive and messy divorce in which blood sucking lawyers would leave both parties with massive debts in order to pay their fees.  By smartly applying New~Way methods the man avoided all these hassles. Ironically, the one thing he forgot to take with him was his lottery ticket. As fortune would have it his numbers came up and the woman kept the £12,000,000 winnings - she thus had no further need for the self help group or her husband.

Once I took the crazy notion of fasting and for 14 days and 11 nights went completely without food. It wasn’t difficult, particularly now that intravenous drips come in a variety of exotic flavours. However as I sat on a bus with a tasty sweet and sour chicken slowly infusing into my bloodstream it occurred to me that most people would consider it a crime to let their families go for days without food and yet they let them go for years without showing them any sign of appreciation. Appreciation which they crave even more than they yearn for food.

When Alfred Bunt, one of the greatest mime artists of his time, played the lead role in ‘Onions in Vienna’ he summed up this need to feel important when he mimed “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self esteem.” Unfortunately due to the complexities of translating mime between languages the audience interpreted it as “You are a bunch of short legged big bottomed Italian imbeciles - please pass the salt” Feeling somewhat unappreciated the audience reacted by miming a lynching party so convincingly that Bunt died, strangled by an imaginary rope.

We take great care in looking after our children’s dietary needs, keeping them filled up with a constant supply of highly nutritious burgers and other fast foods. However, we fail to fuel their self esteem by encouraging them when they succeed for the first time to bribe a friend, deceive their teacher or beat up the wimp next door. It is simple words of praise and encouragement at these important times which will put them on the path to a happy and prosperous life.

Many readers will be thinking as they read this chapter, “What a lot of rubbish! What you are describing is simply flattery. Flattery doesn’t work -  I’ve tried it.” Naturally flattery doesn’t work - it lacks subtlety. Try visiting a friend in hospital a few hours after they have been run over by a number 6 bus and tell them that they have never looked so good in all their life. Will they believe you? Well, probably. But when the anaesthetic wears off they will know you were either flattering them or have a warped sense of humour. To truly benefit from the power of praise you need to do it for purely selfish reasons - that way you will be able to deliver praise with great sincerity and panache. Remember, flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money it can buy you great happiness provided that you learn how to pass it successfully.

King Grog V had the maxim, “Teach me never to proffer nor receive cheap praise” hung on the toilet wall in his palace and he read it every time he was on the Royal Throne. He knew that praise should not be cheap for it is worth its weight in gold. Grog would honour successful business men and women for their ability to accumulate vast amounts of wealth by awarding them titles such as Sir, Lord and Baroness. In return for this sincere acknowledgement of their accomplishments Grog merely demanded that they show their gratitude by giving him 30% of all profits. The King’s other favourite maxim was, “A beggar can look at a king but a king can have him executed.” Grog loved to put this into practice and any loyal subject not showing adequate adoration of the king was duly slain. Yes, George knew that he could achieve anything that he wanted by the skilful practice of assault and flattery.

One of the techniques which you must develop in the Ego~Age is that of showing interest and appreciation whenever you can benefit from doing so. It is a much neglected skill and I would advise some practice in this art before you put it into everyday use. The next time you enjoy smoked salmon in a restaurant send letters to absolutely everyone involved in creating the memorable experience. For example send the fisherman a letter thanking him for braving the arctic storms in order that he could provide you with the salmon. Go on at great length about how skilful he must be at his craft and how much you appreciate him unselfishly applying his talents so that humble people like you may enjoy the taste of freshly caught salmon. After further in depth praise of him and his family, casually mention that you have great difficulty in getting fresh fish. You will find that your praise will soon be rewarded and within days a crate of fresh salmon will be delivered to your door. 

After some practice introduce these techniques into relationships with Friemies whenever possible. You will quickly discover that appreciation is a currency which allows you to get what you want at the expense of others. The great beauty of this method is that people will happily give you anything you wish in the belief that they are the main beneficiaries in the relationship.

Be lavish in your praise. Give sincere sounding appreciation at every opportunity and people will believe every word you say. By making them feel important they will try to repay you and even years after you have forgotten all about them they will still be doing things which benefit you.

 Quiz 2

Question 1

Your five year old daughter arrives home with an expensive bicycle. She explains that she swapped an old teddy for her friend’s new bicycle. Do you ::-

a)  Enthusiastically congratulate her on her shrewd transaction

    fully explaining to her ( with the use of some simple profit

    and loss accounts and cash flow analysis ) the financial

    gains she has made on the deal.

b)  Eagerly praise her but explain that she is too young for a

    bicycle. Sell the bicycle using some of the money to buy a

    new teddy as a reward for your daughter and keep the rest

    for yourself.

c)  Tell her that it was an extremely foolish thing to do. Make

    her return the bicycle and ceremoniously destroy the teddy

    as a punishment.

Answers 1

a)          5 points : It is good to encourage the development of New~Way methods in your offspring by the use of praise. However, giving her the skills of financial analysis will lead to demands for an increased allowance.

b)            10 points : Brilliant, not only do you encourage your daughter but you profit yourself. In addition your daughter gains an understanding that she has many more lessons to learn if she is to succeed in the Ego~Age.

 c)          0 points :  Not only have you discouraged your daughter

    commendable behaviour but you have missed several

    opportunities to gain financially from the situation.

Question 2

Your husband has purchased an extremely expensive pink satin suit which is obviously quite vile. When he asks for your opinion do you ::-

a)  Applaud his good fashion sense and tell him that he looks

    positively wonderful - despite the fact that you will be

    embarrassed every time you are seen together.

b)  Zealously praise his choice but sadly explain that you are

    allergic to satin. Remind him ( with a short display of

    spontaneous and uncontrollable passion ) that you find him

    irresistible in his ‘old’ tweed suit and offer to return the

    suit for him so as to save him the trouble.

c)  Make appropriate caustic, sarcastic, satirical remarks

    ( preferably in rhyme ) and, during an interlude in your

    laughter, demand that he return it immediately.

Answer 2

a)          0 points : You have praised your husband making him feel

    good about himself. Although this is commendable you have

    failed to reap the benefit of giving him praise. Having to

    be seen with him in public is your punishment for not

    dealing with the situation correctly. This sort of attitude

    could win you wimp of the week award.

b) 10 points : Magnificent - not only do you deal effectively

   with the ghastly suit but you have made your husband feel

   important. He will not be annoyed when you exchange the suit

   for a sexy little dress for yourself. You are demonstrating

   successful mastery of New~Way methods.

c)  2 points :  Apart from the sheer joy of humiliating your

    husband you have gained nothing from this scenario. This

    type of behaviour is simply that expected of someone with no

    knowledge of New~Way methods - have you failed to learn

    anything?

Question 3

You own a small company. A new employee suggests an innovative method of using the Web which will save the company a large amount of money. However, initially it will take a lot of time to set up.  Do you ::-

a)  Praise her ideas with wild enthusiasm telling her that it is

    ideas like that which will lead to promotion in the future.

    Explain that unfortunately resources are currently limited

    and that if she wishes to prove her idea she will have to do

    it in her own time.

b)  Tell her that you are impressed with her creative ability

    and ask her to present her idea to a team of senior managers

    for approval.

b)          Double her salary and assign a team to implement her idea.

Answer 3

a) 10 points : Marvellous. The girl is obliged to do the work in  

   her own time. She will happily do this because you made her

   feel important by praising her and you also mentioned

   promotion. However, you have not made any commitment at all.

b) 2 points : It is in the best interest of any team of senior

   managers to criticise and condemn clever suggestions proposed

   by junior members of staff. This will completely kill the

   idea and the newcomers enthusiasm. On the positive side the

   senior management will appreciate that you have confidence in

   their ability to deal with such important matters.

0 points :  You are a sad naive person.
Question 4

You hate the time and effort that gardening takes but you love sitting relaxing lazily in a well kept garden. A retired neighbour is a keen gardener and has the most wonderful garden. You are exceedingly jealous.   Do you ::-

a)  Pay a large team of professional gardeners vast amounts of

    money to keep your garden looking more beautiful than your

    neighbour’s.

b)  Pour weed killer all over your neighbour’s garden.

c)            Invite the neighbour over for drinks. Spend the whole

    evening discussing his garden and continually complement

    him on his skills. Towards the end of the evening casually

    mention that you would love to have a garden which was as

    nice as his but that your old war wound means that you can’t

    do the work.

Answer 4

a)     5 points : Nice ! - but expensive.

b)       5 points : Nice ! - and amusing.

c)       10 points :  A talented use of New~Way methods. You have

   praised your neighbour so much that he will not be able to

   resist the opportunity to prove that he can make your garden

   look beautiful too. Sit back relax and enjoy.

Question 5

You are a sixteen year old boy and are of course despised by your eighteen year old sister. Your family have moved to a new house and you and your sister must agree which bedrooms you are to have. One bedroom is in the basement, it is very small and has no windows. The other choice is big and bright with a view over the neighbour’s swimming pool. (You noticed that the teenage neighbours were sunbathing - topless!!)  Do you ::-

a)          Demand that you get the large room.

b)            Demand that you get the basement room. Then, before anyone can speak, say that you are being unfair and that as your sister is the elder child it is only right that she has first choice.

c)            Insist that as your sister is a vampire she must have the basement.

Answer 5

a)   0 points : Loser - This will only start a row and as always

    your parents will side with your sister.

b) 10 points : Good tactics. You make your sister think you want

   the basement. You also make her feel important. What a

   dilemma you have set her. After heartbreaking deliberation

   she will insist, out of pure spite, that you take the large

   room.

c)  1 point  :   You are a joyous child and a pleasure to

    co-exist with - but you don’t get your room.

Check Your Rating

50  ::   Excellent. You are a very capable student with extraordinary natural talents which will ensure that you succeed in everything you do. You clearly understand the tremendous power of praise and the benefits it can bring you by making gullible people feel important. You show complete awareness that the ability to make people feel important provides you with the capability of making them do exactly what you want. In this respect you obviously already appreciate what benefits you can achieve by making all your friends feel important by presenting them all with copies of this book.

28-49 :: Unless you understand the techniques of manipulation there is a great danger that you will become the one who is being manipulated. I insist that you read the chapter again - NOW !!

< 28 :: Trying to teach you is like trying to train a dumb dog to bark in Latin. Not completely impossible - just pointless. Try getting a grown up to tuck you up in bed and read the chapter to you slowly. Perhaps by treating the book like a fairy tale you will eventually understand at least a few New~Way methods. As in all good fairy stories I hope you have a happy ending - and that it comes quickly and painlessly.