Weird Web Sites - The Weirdest Collection How to win friends and influence people

Return to Weird Websites

 

How to Win Friends and Influence People - A Parody

Copyright Stuart Macfarlane

PART ONE  

 

FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN MANIPULATING PEOPLE 

 

1) "If You Want to Gather Honey Take a Lesson from the Anteater"

2) The Big Trick in Exploiting People. ( You can Fool All of the

   People All of the Time )

3) "He Who Can Feign Sincerity has the Whole World Eating From

    His Hand. He Who Cannot Eats Worms." 

 

Introduction to the Introduction

 

An immense effort has gone into the creation of this book - plagiarism requires a lot of research, reading, photocopying and coffee drinking. This effort will only be worthwhile if :-

 

a)  Lots of naive, gullible suckers purchase the book and thereby provide the authors with the fame and fortune that those who have been plagiarised so rightly deserved.

 

b)  The millions of people who read the book achieve inner peace, good health, prosperity, happiness and a reduced dependency on psychiatric help. 

 

For these to be achieved it is vital that you break the habit of a lifetime and read the introduction section instead of skipping forward to the main sections. By doing so you will achieve b) and therefore, influenced by subliminal messages in the text, you will recommend this book to everyone you meet, and many people you don’t meet, thereby actualising a).

 

If you have skipped past the ‘Introduction to the Introduction’ section then please ignore this message.                

 

Introduction 

 

Life is changing at a greater rate than at any time in the history of mankind. Increasingly you must run faster in an attempt merely to keep up with Life. When you think that you have finally caught up and you and Life are once more running side by side Life will suddenly sprint rapidly away leaving you with the realisation that you are several laps behind and losing further ground.  For these new changing times, success has been redefined. No longer is it suffocated in friendships, loyalties, shared values, or community and organisational ethics. No longer will it be restrained by the need for sincerity, honesty and compassion. This is the dawn of the Ego~Age in which everyone will become a true individual - free to strive for success - free to suffer the consequences of failure if they are too weak to endure the pressure or are unable to adapt to the New~Way which will prevail in the Ego~Age. The New~Way ensures that only the strongest survive - it will be an arduous never ending struggle - and you must fight every battle alone. There will be no one willing to help and should you waste time helping others the consequence will be failure to achieve your own aspirations. Personal success will become the only purpose in life. The rewards for the few who achieve success will be immense. The laborious, long solitary hours dedicated to achieving your aims will bring with it much more than stress-lines, paranoia and loneliness. The ultimate rewards of Power and Money can be yours!  

 

Change is happening so fast that society will soon be completely overwhelmed by the effects of technological developments. These will cause any remaining social structures to finally collapse scattering debris over the graveyard of humanity. Life in the Ego~Age will become increasingly insular. The terms friend and enemy, will be redefinition. There will no longer be such a person as a 'friend' in the old sense of someone that you can trust, confide in, help etc. An Ego~Age 'friend' is fighting the battle for success against you and as there can be only one winner they are therefore attempting to deprive you of everything that you are striving for. A 'friend' in the Ego~Age is therefore a transient acquaintance used to achieve a positive advantage. When that particular advantage has been achieved then the friend is no longer of benefit and hence becomes a burden. Friends will quickly become enemies. Fortunately, there is great value and purpose in cultivating such enemies - they will become benchmarks against which to measure your achievements as you must always accomplish more than they do. By being a perpetual threat to your success they will provide a constant stimulus for your self-advancement. Thus in the Ego~Age Friends will be Enemies and Enemies will be Friends.        

 

The title of this book "How to Win Enemies " may at first seem a little strange. Why, you might ask, should you wish to win enemies? What benefits will be gained by doing so? In the Ego~Age winning enemies will become a normal and desirable way of life :- 

   

 

In a rapidly changing environment success, at work, will depend on the ability to quickly bring together information and ideas in order to provide effective solutions. Those who can do so will reap huge rewards. However individuals with the ability to incorporate the original ideas of others and claim them as their own will be the greatest achievers. Thus your success will be closely linked to the failure of others. Your rewards and status, will be achieved at the expense of others. So when those around you are infuriated by your achievements they are recognising your abilities and their own inadequacies.  

 

Lack of a social structure will change the nature of relationships. You must only enter into relationships which offer you clear benefits. Commitment, love and friendship which traditionally required you to ‘give’ more than you ‘received’ will no longer have a purpose. The New~Way requires that you must profit from all relationships. This will necessitate cheating, lying, deception, trickery and treachery - but don’t worry, you will quickly master all these desirable skills. You must end a relationship as soon as it ceases to provide useful benefits. If you use relationships effectively to maximise your gains then inevitably others will lose out.

 

As you infuriate more and more people you will create an ever-increasing number of Friends-Enemies, Friemies - as we shall call them. With these Friemies behind you the only direction is upward on onward to greater success. Friemies will constantly prod you on to achieve your next goal. You will only ever look back to check whether anyone is creeping up on you with the intent of prodding you with an unsheathed dagger. 

 

 

 

 

NINE SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK

 

1) This book is filled to the brim and beyond with rules and techniques to help you achieve success in the Ego~Age. Some are ineffectual, some are superficial and the others are frivolous and meaningless. How do you choose those which will have greatest impact on your life? Which will transform your existence and bring fame, fortune and happiness? One Golden Rule eclipses all others: “In the Ego~Age all rules are futile and will be superseded by new futile rules at random intervals.” As you read this book always keep this one Golden Rule fixed firmly in your mind and submit to it at all times. If you are to maximise the advantages that this book can bring you must have an intense desire to succeed, a desire so passionate that you will pursue any suggestions without questioning their validity. How do you develop such an attitude? Constantly remind yourself of your ultimate goal - to be wealthier, more powerful and happier than all those contemptible people who have mocked and overlooked you in the past. Soon you will have the power and influence to dominate, mock or ignore them. Revenge will be yours!

 

2) Read each chapter quickly. You will probably be tempted to rush on to the next chapter or to throw the book away in disgust. But don’t. Success does not come quickly or painlessly. After an initial quick read you must then read each chapter extremely slowly and thoroughly agonising over every word. Remember you are not reading for fun. If you find yourself starting to enjoy reading this book then stop, take a cold shower, and return to your reading with a more cynical attitude.

 

3) Take regular breaks from reading to think over what you have read. Continually appraise what you are reading and keep asking the questions “Why am I reading this rubbish ?”, “Am I such a sad and pathetic moron that I need to read trashy books to find out how to live my life?” and “Is this Tuesday?”

 


4) Mark any part you particularly like and cross out everything you dislike with heavy felt tip pens. Use codes to distinguish the different levels of uselessness. For example thin horizontal blue lines through parts you think are only quite bad and deep vertical red scores through whole sections which you consider to be particularly offensive. In doing so try to create pretty and colourful patterns. Doodle in all the margins so that you get at least some value for the money you spent buying this book. Marking it in this way not only personalises the book but there is every chance that a page could be mistaken for a work of contemporary art and be awarded a huge financial prize by a prominent art gallery.

 

 

5) Frequently reread this book. Keep copies everywhere, in the office, the toilet your favourite restaurant and under the bed. Take a copy wherever you go in order that you can read it when your friends are particularly boring or while at the cinema, driving or attending a funeral.

 

 

6) A great philosopher (but rather mediocre sanitary inspector) once said “You can teach a man to put up an umbrella but you can’t make it rain.” He was so right and at the same time so very, very irrelevant. The important point is that there is no sense in reading this book unless you are stupid enough to blindly follow it’s principals. Apply the rules whenever possible and especially at times when it’s not possible. However, there will be occasions when you will find it particularly difficult to apply these suggestions. I know because I wrote the book and have never once practised anything that I advocate. That is the great advantage of giving advice - you never need to follow it never mind believe it. So, as you read your way through this book remember do not treat it in the same way as you would treat a cheap fiction novel. You are not supposed to enjoy it you are attempting to make a extraordinary change in your life style ...

 

7) Offer family and friends bribes to feign interest in your efforts to improve your life. Become paranoid in your efforts to master and apply the rules of this book. Take a shower at least once each week.

  

8) I once met a contemptible, arrogant and highly successful lawyer who described to me his system of self improvement. This man had neither education nor qualifications and yet over the course of six months had worked his way from being a third-rate Assistant Sewer Cleaner to become one of the highest paid lawyers in America. Over numerous pints of beer he confessed that he owed his success to a simple system he had developed. It was a very noisy pub and the lawyer slurred a great deal from the soothing effects of fifteen pints of beer but this is the system in his own words - I’ve filled in the numerous gaps and removed all references to ducks, “For years I kept a diary of everything I said and did. I would spend all Saturday reading though the events of the week agonising over every minute mistake I had made and every word I had said which in some way may have inadvertently hurt anyone’s feelings. By the end of the day I was always thoroughly depressed and would spend all day Sunday in bed frightened to face the week ahead. Suddenly, like a flash of lightning from a clear cerulean blue sky, I realised what a huge waste of time this was. After that I simply blundered through life not caring whether I was right or wrong provided I got what I wanted, not caring about the consequences of my actions. Other people didn’t matter - let them fend for themselves. I quickly realised that provided that you talk with confidence people will believe anything you tell them and by being extremely condescending they will assume that you have power and authority and will thus be too afraid to oppose what you say. Suddenly I was able to recklessly make life and death decisions, tell extraordinary lies and take advantage of gullible people. I had found the true secret of success. Success is a game - a game that you can only win if you make sure that others lose.” By employing a similar attitude you too can develop your ability to benefit from those around you, increasing the probability that you will succeed - turn other peoples failures into your achievements.

  

9) At the end of this book there are several blank pages on which to record details of triumphs achieved by applying the principals of this book. In particular record the names of all the people you have crushed in your pursuit of success. Keeping such a record will be a useful reminder of the many people who will be seeking revenge and trying to destroy everything you have struggled so hard to achieve. Update and read this section regularly - the cutlery box of success is deep - so constantly guard your back. 

 

10) At the end of each section there is a quiz. It is vital that you complete these quizzes in order to monitor your progress and ensure that you are learning the techniques described. If your score for a quiz is less than 100% then re-read the section and re-do the quiz. If after five attempts you fail to get all the answers correct then admit that you are a moronic half-witted imbecile and refer to the answers or, preferably, give this book to a friend.    

 

 


PART ONE  

 

FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN MANIPULATING PEOPLE. 

 

CHAPTER ONE

"If You Want to Gather Honey Take a Lesson from the Anteater" 

 

This section shows how people react to praise and criticism and how you can make use of such New~Way tools to exploit others. Following these techniques will allow you to steal the honey, created by the arduous labour of the bees, without fear of being stung by the boring little worker bees. Like the anteater you will be able to sniff out the honey and enjoy the sweet taste of success.

 

 

On May 16, 1842, the most amazing manhunt Scarborough Town has ever seen came to an extraordinary climax. After, eighteen years of incessant rigorous searching, - stopping only to take holidays for Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Pentecost and Rogation Sundays, police had finally trapped the dangerous mass murderer Bill "Dangerous Mass Murderer" Smith in an apartment just off Main Street. Twenty two thousand detectives laid siege to the apartment (many from the vantage point of local pubs). With the aid of eighty helicopters and twenty tanks they bombarded the apartment with missiles and tear gas in an effort to smoke out Smith. For over a week the whole town reverberated with the sound of shell fire as one by one the houses crumbled. Smith, meanwhile stood defiantly at the open window of the apartment waving a white flag, moving away only to make short excursions to the local supermarket. Fifty million onlookers watched the battle and the screen rights were sold for

£10 million. When Smith was eventually captured it was discovered that, due to an error in reading the door nameplate, the police had been pursuing the wrong person for over eighteen years. They had actually captured Jill "Dangerous Mass Murderer" Smith who, despite her name, had never hurt anyone in her life. The police however insisted that ninety two year old Jill was a brutal callous murderer who despite having been confined to her apartment with crippling injuries for the previous forty years (apart from brief excursions to the local supermarket) had carried out eighty-two murders in more than one hundred countries. After weeks of intensive questioning, with the assistance of wooden batons and a ping pong ball, the Police Commissioner jubilantly announced that Smith had been imprisoned on the slightly reduced charge of tax evasion. Smith was duly tried and hung for failing to submit her tax return form for the year 1819. The Commissioner announced that although he was disappointed that Bill "Dangerous Mass Murderer" Smith was still on the loose, committing brutal murders, the operation to find him had been phenomenally successful. He asserted that the punishment of Jill "Dangerous Mass Murderer" Smith would act as a warning to other potential tax evaders who viciously failed to submit tax return forms and declared that they too would be appropriately dealt with.

 

 

This little story has some valuable lessons for us:

 

 

 

Lesson 1a) As soon as you become aware of the impending failure of a mission it becomes time to move the goal posts so that you can still score some goals. By re-prioritising the objectives, what was initially a minor objective should become the main objective and must be proclaimed a major achievement.

 

Lesson 1b) People happily admit their wrong doings - with a little persuasion.

 

Lesson 1c) Even the most innocent appearing people have their dark, evil side - you can always find something to condemn them for.

 

 

I have had numerous anonymous letters from Lewd Lawless, who was warden of Old York's Sing Song Prison for many years. He confirms that most of the prisoners there are very proud of the crimes they have committed. In fact the vast majority were picked up by the police for minor offences such as spitting and dropping of litter. When questioned, over numerous bottles of whisky and with a few words of praise and encouragement, they were delighted to admit to much more serious offences including mass murder, gang warfare, drug trafficking and parking violations. Such was their enthusiasm to boast that they confessed to many crimes that had never been committed. This caused police a considerable amount of time and effort in fabricating evidence often having to commit the crimes themselves in a manner that matched the claims of the suspects. These evil convicts are just as inhuman as you and I. They too wish to find glory and be idolised by their peers. The greater the praise they receive the more they exaggerate their offences. As Lewd Lawless put it "Everyone wants to be a hero. Everyone wants to go down in history as the fastest gun in the west, the greatest bank robber or the quickest knitter. People will stop at nothing to achieve fame even being unscrupulous enough to use illegally large knitting needles to achieve their dreams."  So if the desperate inmates of our prisons will do or say anything to achieve notoriety what lesson is there for you and I.

 

 

 

Lesson 1d) There is always someone gullible enough to take the blame when things go wrong. Simple words of encouragement and praise and these fools will happily claim responsibility, thankful that they will be elevated out of their dull, pointless existence and placed in the limelight even if it’s only for a short time.

 

 

  A. Skunner, the world famous tiddly-wink player and amateur psychologist proved by experimenting with rats that certain desirable behaviours can be taught. His experiments involved stapling rats by their tails to the floor and placing food one metre away. At first the rats struggled to reach the food but they eventually learned that they could not reach it and would give up the struggle shortly after death. Unfortunately Skunner’s experiments were halted when an outraged public protested against the inhumane treatment of the defenceless rats. Subsequently Skunner was convicted, chained up in a prison cell and given no food until three days after his death. Skunner learned his lesson and never performed his cruel experiments again. The results of his experiments are however very relevant to us. They show that we can influence the behaviour of those around us by the way we treat them. Praising a person will positively reinforce their behaviour. They are likely to think, “I know that I’m doing this the best way, I don’t need that ignorant, arrogant swine to condescendingly tell me that I am right!” and they will continue to perform the action with even greater enthusiasm and determination. However, when we criticise a person we negatively reinforce their behaviour. They are likely to think, “I know that I’m doing this the best way, I don’t need that ignorant, arrogant swine to condescendingly tell me that I am wrong!” and they will continue to perform the action with even greater enthusiasm and determination. Thus by the way in which we treat a friemy we can effectively “staple” them into a particular course of action which will result in disaster. This will ensure that they are no longer able to achieve success and thus there will be more “rat food” available for you.

 

Hans Salye Van Gretle a slightly less famous tiddly-wink player ( but who had the benefit of twenty years psychiatric experience while locked in a padded cell at a state mental hospital ) asserted, "The more a person craves praise and recognition the more vulnerable they become. To achieve respect and honour takes more than just hard work, courage and determination - it is vital to ruthlessly annihilate anyone who stands in your way. Utilise this vulnerability in others to achieve your own success."  

 

 

Lesson 1e) When a friemy is making stupid blunders use praise and encouragement to reinforce his errant ways. The resultant failure will destroy this adversary’s ability to compete with you in the future.

Of course it will not always be possible to flatter someone into failing without causing resentment when they eventually realize that with your help they have sabotaged their own plans. Where this bitterness threatens your objectives then more subtle methods must be employed. One technique is the 'Pass the Buck' system. In this method you persuade person A that for them to avoid being held responsible for a disaster that they must pass the blame onto person B. Thus the target person B is held responsible for the disaster and they hold a lifelong grudge against person A. The beauty of this method is that two of your rival are maligned and weakened at one time.

 

 

 

Lesson 1f) It is sometimes desirable to avoid the resentment associated with blaming someone for your mistakes. On these occasions make use of an intermediary to shift the blame from you to another.  

 

  

John Stores, the founder of the American stores that bear his name, once confessed "I like to dress up in woman's clothing when playing chess" he also admitted "I discovered years ago that it is completely pointless to try to get someone to do what you want by chastising them when they do something wrong. These people are just too damn stupid to understand even simple instructions." What Stores learned through running Stores stores is that most people are too dumb to realize when they are wrong. Criticism puts a person on the defensive and they will try to prove that their way is best, at all costs.  

 

I.B. Cairfull is the safety officer for an engineering company in Gwent. It is his responsibility to ensure that whenever employees are working on a building site they wear the hard hats that the company provides. These hats give the wearer a sense of protection from falling objects (although in reality they are unlikely to protect the wearer from any object heavier than a marshmallow). More importantly the hats are used as billboards to advertise the products of sponsoring companies. As this brings in huge amounts of profit it is essential that everyone wears a hat. 

 

Cairfull reported that when he discovered workers who were not wearing the hard hats, he would scream and shout at them, pointing out that they were ignorant, contemptible, useless vermin. As a result he got enthusiastic acceptance, but after he left the workers enthusiasm was quickly forgotten and the hats would accidentally be destroyed under bulldozers. Cairfull decided to try a more subtle approach. From the top of a two hundred-metre high building he dropped girders onto the heads of several men who were not wearing their safety hats, killing them instantly. He them reminded the survivors in a pleasant tone of voice that the hats were designed to protect them from injury and indicated with the help of a ten pound mallet what would happen to anyone who did not comply. The result was that everyone obeyed the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.

 

 

Lesson 1g) There are sometimes more effective methods than criticism to get people to do what you want

 

 

Do you know someone you would like to change, dominate and take advantage of? Excellent, you are learning fast. I approve. From a purely personal standpoint, it is much more beneficial if you can take credit for the efforts of others rather than work hard yourself. Learn to work smart - not hard. If you can do the minimum amount of work while reaping the rewards from the efforts of others then work will be extremely profitable and much less monotonous.

 

“It takes five men forty hours to dig a hole,” Confucius proclaimed, over four thousand years ago, “But it takes one man just one hour to rob them of their wages - or less than 0.002 seconds if he is computer literate.” It is vital that you become the person earning huge sums of money from the labour of the proletarian doing the digging.

 

A long, long time ago when I was young and trying to impress people I decided to write to a prominent author asking him if he would write a novel but let me claim it as mine. A few days earlier I had received a letter from my credit card company which said, “Your account is over the limit, pay immediately or legal action will be taken.” I was impressed at the power that this company wielded being able to make legal threats against innocent people just because they hadn’t paid their bills for over eight months. Wishing to impress the author in a similar way I ended my letter, “Reply within seven days or legal action will be taken against you.” Sure enough six days later the author replied, however he had simply scribbled across the letter “Bugger off you ignorant jerk.” I had blundered, giving him seven days to answer my letter was foolish I should have made it fourteen. But, even after all this time, I still resent what he said and the fact that he was so unwilling to help an aspiring entrepreneur and con man. However, I did benefit from the episode. Now that I am a world famous author I frequently get letters from people seeking help and advice. Every time I receive such a letter it reminds me of this incident and I always take the trouble to personally scribble across their letters “Bugger off you ignorant jerk.” 

 

 

Lesson 1h) If you want to stir up a resentment that will last for decades all you have to do is make use of the power of criticism.

 

 

Ron D. Vueue was an expert in the practice of positive resentment. Shortly after starting in his new job as Senior Accountant in a top London bank he realised that his promotion prospects were limited. His boss, Frank, had held the same post for twelve years and was unlikely to be promoted thereby creating a potential position for Ron. In addition the four other Senior Accountants who reported to Frank all had more experience and were better qualified than Ron. Although Ron was lazy and inadequate he had one huge advantage over them all - he had read this book! Over the next few months he took each of the other Senior Accountants, separately, to lunch and with an air of sincere concern he told them that Frank had confided in him that he considered them to be useless incompetent failures. He also took every opportunity to tell Frank that the Senior Accountants were criticising him saying that they had no confidence in his ability as their manager. The Senior Accountants’ resentment against Frank resulted in such ill feeling that soon afterwards Frank left the company. The others, having been demotivated by the alleged criticism were meanwhile producing poor quality work. Thus when Frank resigned Ron was the prime candidate to take his place. After his promotion Ron used the tactics described in this book to ensure that the Senior Accountants worked harder than ever before. By a similar use of positive resentment Karen Allot caused her best friend Rose to call off her engagement to her fiance Steve. Karen’s application of the techniques were so skilful that when she married Steve six weeks later Rose was so delighted that she paid for the expensive honeymoon.

 

 

 

Always remember that people are irrational and illogical. But fortunately they are all emotional wrecks filled with selfish egotistical desires which make them vulnerable and remarkably easy to manipulate.

 

The suggestion that he had made a grammatical error in one of his novels caused the sensitive Thomas Softy, one of the greatest British writers of this century, to give up writing forever. Criticism drove the poet Thomas A. Chatupline to suicide - he killed himself after spending five days searching for an appropriate word that rhymed with it to complete a love poem he was writing. Only as he gasped his last breath did he realise that Witticism would have been the perfect rhyme.

 

 

 

Even the dull and the ignorant can criticise and all of them do - constantly. But it takes character and cunning to understand that criticism is a powerful tool to be used to help achieve your own goals and to destroy your adversaries. “A great man shows his greatness,” proclaimed Birmingham “by the way he treats little men ..... like shit.”

 

 

 

Bob Vaccuumcleaner, a top test pilot who often performed at air shows, was heading home one clear Sunday afternoon from an air show in San Diego. As described in the magazine ‘Hip and Heart Operations’, at two hundred feet, both engines exploded blowing the plane into a million fragments. By deftly manoeuvring Bob managed to land the only remaining parts of the plane, the seat and the glove compartment. Remarkably no one of consequence was badly hurt by the falling debris. Bob’s first act after the emergency landing was to change his trousers. Later, he examined the glove compartment. Just as he had expected, the plane had been fuelled with nitroglycerine rather than gasoline. When he arrived back at the airport he demanded to see the mechanic who had serviced his aeroplane. The young man was sick with the horror of his mistake - and the six bottles of tequila he had just drunk. He had tears in his eyes, and a rather repulsive pimple on his upper lip, as he watched Vaccuumcleaner approach. He had caused the loss of an expensive plane and caused the death of twenty six fairly unimportant people. You can understand that Vaccuumcleaner may have been slightly upset by the incident and could have failed to see the funny side of the events. But Bob did not lambaste the mechanic. He did not utter a single word of criticism. Bob simply put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said, “To show you how much confidence I have in you I would like you to accept this crate of vodka, and I want you to service my good friend and arch rival’s F-51 tomorrow.” Yes, Bob could always find ways to turn even the most disastrous events to his advantage.

 

 

 

Lesson h) Don’t criticise people if you can use their ineptitude for your own purposes.

 

 

Quiz 1

 

Question 1

 

As secretary of the golf club you have been asked to organise a social evening for  club members and important local dignitaries. Having put the £10,000, allocated to pay the expenses, into your own bank account you promptly forget all about organising the event. On the night set for the event you receive a phone call from the irate club president complaining that everyone had arrived but nothing has been organised.

Do you ::-

 

 

a)  Apologise profusely and offer to rearrange the event at your

   own expense.

 

b)  Blame the caterers but enthusiastically proclaim that fortunately due to your skilful negotiations there is £1000 left which can be put towards the next event.

 

c)  Use the £10,000 on plastic surgery so that no one recognises

   you.

 

 

Answer 1

 

a)          0 points : Are you an idiot ?

 

b)          10 points : Excellent, not only do you retain your

    credibility but you gain £9,000.

 

c)          5 points : Only really worthwhile if you are particularly ugly or are in trouble with the police.

 

Question 2

 

A work colleague confides to you that she has invented a new money saving device and asks you to help present the idea to the company management. You quickly realise that the idea will save the company vast amounts of money. This would safeguard the jobs of ten thousand people who are about to be made redundant and would make your colleague a hero ensuring that she would be promoted above you. Do you ::-

 

a) Sack her immediately then claim the idea as your own?

 

b) Ridicule her idea and condemn her as an incompetent dreamer.

 

d)          Tell her you will give her your complete support but sabotage her idea so that it is rejected by management.

 

Answer 2

 

a)  10 points : This is a fair and ethical way to exploit the situation, 10,000 people retain their jobs and you become the hero.

 

b)  2 points : May provide a few moments of amusement but of little long term benefit.

 

c)  0 points : A time consuming, insipid, unimaginative way to deal with a situation which offers you great potential for profit.

 

 

Question 3

Your partner is pathetic at making love and you are never satisfied by his / her bumbling efforts. However, you are enchanted by the fact that he / she is staggeringly rich.

Do you ::-

 

a)  Humiliate your partner in front of friends describing all his/her inadequacies in excruciating detail.

 

b)  Tell your partner that he/she is fantastic in bed and take a lover to satisfy your sexual needs.

 

c)  Persuade a friend to seduce your partner and then after they have sex to mock your partner about his / her sexual ability suggesting that he / she should visit a sex therapist.

 

 

Answer 3

 

a)  0 points : Apart from the joy of humiliating your partner you have little to gain from this and risk losing future opportunities to exploit your partner’s wealth.

 

b)  5 points : Not a very creative solution but better than chastity.

 

c)  10 Points : This provides great potential for you to take advantage of your partner’s guilt and blackmail them for years to come.

 

 Question 4

 

Your eight year old daughter never tidies her room and toys, dolls and teddies litter the floor. Naturally you find this extremely irritating and as a parent it is your duty to ensure that she conforms. Do you :-

 

a)  Explain to her that her behaviour is detestable and that everyone is greatly disappointed with her.

 

b)  Accept that she is only a child of eight and cheerfully tidy the room yourself, carefully putting all her toys lovingly in the the rubbish bin.

 

c)  Refuse to feed her until the room is cleaned to your total

   satisfaction.

 

 

Answer 4

 

a)     0 points : Criticising a young girl can have a deep

   psychological impact which may affect her for the rest of her

   life. Unfortunately, it is not deep enough to ensure that she

   tidies her room.

 

b)     5 points : This can be effective but only if you do not allow

   anyone to give her new toys in the future.

 

c)     10 Points : By this method your daughter learns that her evil

   disobedience will not be tolerated. It has the bonus of

   saving you money on your food bill for a number of days.

 

 


Question 5

 

You are manager of a regional sales division for a large company. Two months after hiring a new salesman you discover that he is totally incapable of doing his job. Do you ::-

 

a) Sack him.

 

c)  Tell him that he is the worst salesman you have met in your

  30 years in sales and arrange a three month intensive training

  course in the hope that he will improve.

 

c) Recommend him for promotion at a rival sales division.

 

 

Answer 5

 

a)  0 points : Sacking him so quickly only demonstrates to the management that you are not even capable of the simple task of selecting your salesmen.

 

b) 0 points : Why waste money training a complete waster.

 

b)  10 Points : This solves the problem of having a poor performer on your team and, more importantly, gives one of your rivals even bigger problems.

 

 

 

Check Your Rating

 

50  ::   Congratulations you are showing great promise in being able to master New~Way methods and the ability to adapt to the Ego~Age.  You have either got an evil, vicious and devious nature or are easily influenced by drivel just because it is written in a book. Continue to the next chapter.

 

30-49 :: Not a particularly impressive score !  In the Ego~Age such imperfection is a sign of weakness and proof of incompetence and ignorance. There is no point in reading this book if you are unable or unwilling to learn the basic techniques which you will need to survive in the Ego~Age.

Re-read the chapter only this time make a greater effort to learn the important lessons. Ensure there are no distractions that will inhibit your learning – switch off the television, tell the orchestra to leave and do not have sex while reading.

< 30 :: An abysmal, disappointing score. You show no imaginative flair and absolutely no aptitude for learning. Unless you try much harder you are sure to be a complete failure in the Ego~Age. You have gained utterly no understanding of the effects that criticism can have on people. Re-read this chapter. This time try to remain awake while you are reading and ignore all words that are bigger than two syllables.

 

Return to Weird Websites Copyright Stuart Macfarlane  

How to win friends and influence people