It's a Dog's Life 

By

Stuart & Linda Macfarlane

Is your dog your best friend?

Do you look after your dog or does your dog look after you?

You may think that you live an arduous, work-filled life but your dog has an even more demanding existence – taking care of you!

Life is changing rapidly, with each modern day more hectic than the last. These changes have been particularly horrific for dogs. A mere four thousand years ago the world was their playground. They roamed wherever they pleased, carefree, happy-go-lucky, masters of their own destinies. But all that has changed and now they find themselves totally frazzled and wearied by the responsibility of caring for their adopted human families. A modern dog has so much work to do, so many commitments. There are humans to walk, slippers to chew, cats to chase and a vast amount of barking to fit in. It’s hardly surprising that so many suffer from stress and burnout long before they’ve grown out of puppyhood.

It’s a Dog’s Life aims to remedy this problem by providing all the info and advice a dog needs to lead a happy and successful life while still fulfilling the role of man’s best friend.

At the start of each new day sit in front of the mirror, wag your tail frantically and pant the following mantra:

I’m a carefree courageous adventurer.

I shall star in more films than Lassie.

I shall hunt ferocious lions in Africa.

I shall scale the rugged peaks of Everest.

I shall court all the sophisticated poodles of Paris.

But first I must fetch my leash.

Agenda for a truly joyful day

00:00 – 05:23 Sleep sprawled across your human.

05:23 – 05:25 Wake human with a slobbery kiss.

05:25 – 05:45 Breakfast

05:45 – 06:45 Take human for ‘walkies.’

06:45 – 06:55 Chase Postman

06:55 – 12:00 Chew slippers, rugs, curtains, chair etc etc

12:00 – 12:20 Lunch

12:20 – 13:00 Take human for ‘walkies.’

13:00 – 14:00 Practice barking and growling really fiercely.

14:00 – 18:00 Chase cats, bikes, cars and anything else that moves.

18:00 – 18:30 Dinner

18:30 – 19:30 Take human for ‘walkies.’

19:30 – 23:00 Test hypothesis that dogs can never catch their tails.

23:00 – 00:00 Take human for final walk of the day.

Never dine with Old Mother Hubbard!!

Occasionally when playing fetch confuse your human by bringing back something other than the stick – a hedgehog would be ideal.

People are less socially developed than dogs and are woefully inhibited even with their closest friends. Set a good example - greet guests by jumping playfully on top of them and, as they pick themselves up, cover them in sloppy kisses and sniff them thoroughly. Not only will this affectionate welcome delight visitors but very soon your human will emulate your social graces.

Warning! Sad but true - some people actually DO bite dogs.

Your human may feel insecure, even terrified, if she is home, alone, watching a spooky midnight movie. Reassure her – prove that her ever vigilant guard dog is alert and on duty. Frequently and dramatically leap onto all fours, prick up your ears, glare at the window anxiously and growl bravely.

When you’ve had great fun digging up all the houseplants, knocking over ornaments and scattering litter about the room – that’s the perfect time to take a long, long walk leaving the cat to take the blame.

Befriend a butcher.

Are there dogs on Mars?

Will humans ever learn to speak dog language?

Will dogs one day run faster than the speed of light?

Don’t trouble yourself with such petty matters.

Concentrate instead on the truly important.

In a drawer?

Amongst the roses?

Under a cushion?

Where should I hide my bone?

Your human obviously enjoys sitting in his favourite chair. Share the fun. Go there regularly to relax. Spread out comfortably, stretching, to take up every single bit of space. Claim the chair as your own - snarl viciously at anyone who dares disturb your peaceful meditation.

                Every vet is a threat.                 

Practice the ancient art of Feng Shui. Carefully arrange your bone collection in a neat circle on your human’s bed. Curl up in the centre and sleep in perfect harmony.

Although you have the intelligence of a chess grandmaster your human will condescendingly insist on trying to teach you moronic little tricks such as ‘give a paw.’ Do not be tempted to enlighten him as to his foolishness – believing that he is smarter than you gives his ego a vital boost.

For a truly yummy snack try chewing your human’s favourite slippers. These will be so much more delicious than those cheap dog treats he buys for you.

Dignity Alert  – It may be macho to chase cats or even rabbits but you will look simply stupid chasing butterflies and bees.

Avoid the company of fleas!

They are vexatious to the soul – and body.

Be patient with your human - he can be trained to perform simple tricks. For example if you repeatedly return a stick to him he will eventually learn to play ‘Throw.’

Danger !!!  Sharp incisors and balloons are a thunderously lethal mix.

Undoubtedly the day will come when your human presents you with your very own custom-built kennel. Show your appreciation by barking frantically and leaping around her in an uncontrolled frenzy of excitement. Further reward her - continue your night time habit of sleeping stretched out comfortably across her bed.

Dog Maxim on Existence : I bark therefore I am.

Dog Maxim on Possessions : I must ensure my human is never parted from her stick.

Dog Maxim on Sloth : To be really lazy, in your next life come back as a cat.

Dog Maxim on Archaeology : Ancient dogs must have had really poor memories to mislay all those juicy bones.

Dog Maxim on Exercise : Six walks a day is the minimum to keep a human strong and healthy.

Dog Maxim on Postmen : Their bark is worse than their bite.

Dog Maxim on Fleas : Their bite is worse than their bark.

At the end of each day relax and reflect upon all your achievements :–

·       neighbour’s cat chased up a tree

·       bone collection carefully hidden

·       slippers lovingly chewed.

·       human thoroughly walked

Celebrate each and every one of these successes. They make life worthwhile.