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Cyber~Geek Glossary

Baud Rate : the rate your heart beat reaches as you impatiently wait for a web page to load.

Netgroup : a bunch of old bores endlessly discussing the weather.

Browser : a program which searches for the information you want but instead gives you a selection of pornography, advertisements and trivia.

Cookies :  Files secretly planted on your P.C. as part of a computer master plan to take over the world.

Email : see junk mail.

Favorites : A massive list of long forgotten sites which once seemed crucially important.

Download : A technical term meaning theft and plagiarism.

Homepage  : A glitzy, snazzy, brilliantly animated entrance to a completely dull, boring and pointless web site.

Local Area Network : The World Wide Web on a bad day.

Link : a connection which takes you from a useless site to a totally useless site.

Modem : a device which ties up your phone line for twenty four hours every day.

Snailmail : The use of trained molluscs to deliver letters.

Search Engine: A program which finds every web site except the one you lovingly created.

Servers : Powerful computers which conspire to keep you off the internet.

Web : A global collection of obsolete, inaccurate, worthless information.

Surf : The act of moving around the Web using links until you’ve completely forgotten what you were looking for in the first place.

 

You know a web site was created by a female if :-

* The homepage uses 16 shades of pink and 42 different fonts.

* It contains Links to fashion, poetry, TV soaps and shopping guides.

* It includes photos of family, friends, pets and everyone's babies.

* It has over 500 pages of gossip and scandal.

* It changes eight times a day.

* It takes 2 hours to load.

* Once a month it becomes emotional and irrational.

* It only loads if it’s included in your ‘Favorites’ list.

You know a web site was created by a male if :-

* The homepage uses 8 inch high fonts - ’cos size does matter.

* It contains links to sex, football, sex, music, sex, pubs and sex.

* It loads quickly and then apologises embarrassingly.

* Initially it seems interesting but rapidly becomes boring.

* Its pages are untidy and disorganised.

* It displays a ‘Site under construction’ message but never changes.

* It includes photos of supermodels whom he claims are girlfriends.

 

You’re hooked on the net if :-

* You have so many Email addresses you often get lost.

* Your website contains more pages than the complete works of Shakespeare.

* You secretly pray for your computer.

* You happily send replies to every junk email you receive.

* You have hundreds of internet friends but no real friends in the real world.

* The only way your family get to see you is through your Webcams.

* You remember all your internet addresses and passwords but forget your children’s names.

* You put your email address on forms where it asks for your home address.

* You have given your computer a cute name.

* You let your partner believe you’re having an affair so that you stay out late secretly surfing.

* You have lost more than three jobs ’cos you spend work time surfing.

* You’re reading this webpage

 

Are you an Internet widow?

1) Does he turn the computer on more often than he turns you on?

2) Does he waste money buying computer gadgets instead of buying jewellery for you?

3) When he comes home from work what does he do first - kiss you or check for emails?

4) If the house caught fire would he rescue the computer first?

5) Was your last anniversary card delivered by email?

6) If you want to know where he is do you check his web site?

7) If you ran off with his computer what would he miss most - you or it?

8) Does he keep a photograph of you or his computer on his desk?

9) Does he spend more time running his fingers over the keyboard than over you?

10) Are you the main feature on his web site?

11) Does he take his laptop out more often than he takes you out?

Are you an Internet widower?

1)     Does she whisper softly in your ear ‘I love your ISP’?

2)     Does she love browsing cookery sites while you microwave diner?

3)     Does she refuse to read your love letters unless they’re emailed?

4)     Does she spurn you and take the computer to bed with her?

5)     Is her idea of a romantic night out going to an internet cafe?.

6)     Is she is a member of eighty-six newsgroups but never talks to you?

7)     Does she sneak away at every opportunity to share intimate moments alone with her computer?

8)     Does she spend more time in chatrooms talking than with you in the bedroom?

9)  Is she too busy surfing to notice when you come home from the office five hours late?

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Get Rich QUICK on the Internet

By using the internet everyone can effortlessly become a multimillionaire. The formula is simple ::-

1) Choose a product that can be easily bought in any high street store.

2) Create a memorable web site such as IAbsolutelyDesperatelyMustHaveThat.CON

3) Lose masses of money trading through your site.

4) Float the company on the stock market for $£$£$£$£$£$

5) Retire.

To be successful you must remember that patience is vital – the above process can sometimes take as long as three months.
Extracts from "The Little Book of the Internet" by Stuart & Linda Macfarlane.

Available from Amazon or any good bookshop in most countries.

Copyright Stuart Macfarlane. If you wish to use these quotes anywhere please request permission from copyright@Q30.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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