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Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal reached the double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsene Wenger coaches his team.
After a day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the touchline.
Arsene asks: 'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?'
'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'.
'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie.
Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls David Beckham over to the touchline. 'David, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?'.
'Bleedin' 'ell', is the Spice Boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why have you asked me this question?'
Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement.
So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?'.
'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam.
So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: 'David, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'It's Jaap Stam'.
Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you fucking arsehole. It's Dennis Bergkamp.'



Des Lynam, Alan Hansen, and Andy Gray are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Mr Hansen first, he asks "What do you believe?"
Big Al looks God in the eye, and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Sao Paolo,t o the mansions of Chelsea. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to those people who stood on the terraces at Anfield"
God looks up,and offers Alan the seat to his left.
He then turns to Andy Gray. "And you, Mr Gray. What do you believe?"
Andy stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour, and passion are the fundamentals to life,and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits"
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Andy the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Des Lynam. "And you, Mr Lynam. What do you believe"
"I believe", says Des, "You're in my seat".


Corey was walking through Wolvo on a quiet Sunday afternoon, and outside the Varse of Teeth, he sees a lamp.
Remembering he is an optimistic fella, he rubs it in the hope of seeing a genie, which he does, the conversation goes as follows :

Genie : You have 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, David Beckham gets twice, OK ?
Corey : OK, I want a million pounds.
Genie : *piff*paff*poof*, you have a million quid, David Beckham has 2 million.
Corey : Fair enough, as long as I have my million, now I want a Porsche.
Genie : *piff*paff*poof*, you have a Porsche, Beckham has 2 Porsches, What is your last wish ?
Corey : hmmm, I've always considered donating a kidney......

 

 

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

 

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

 

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

 

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

 

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

 

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

 

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

 

A man desperate at Villa's current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement.
A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

 

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

 

Rumour has it that Villa have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.



Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?".
God Replies, "In the next five years"
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?".
The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years".
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Derby win the Premier League?".
God Answers, "I'll be dead by then!"

 

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