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What those text messages really mean.


He says         He means


                    Iím in bed with your best friend.


HdSmllXident Ė DntWryImOK

I cut off my left arm with a chain saw and have been rushed into intensive care where I am awaiting extensive micro-surgery.



What a night!!! Donít remember a thing Ė but some horny chick penned her mobile number across my chest! I wonder what she looks like???



Cancel our plans for a night on the town. I lost all my wages on a Ďdead certí so weíll have to stay home and watch TV instead.


SryCntCalU -  Im@MprtntMtng

I have taken the afternoon off and am currently undertaking an important putt at the sixteenth.


Darling, I am sorry to have to break sad news to you. But last night I met the most wonderful, intelligent, beautiful girl. I think Iíve fallen in love with her and so, Iím devastated to have to tell you, that our relationship does not appear to have much of a future. . . . .



 She says         She means


Iíve tried thirty-two of my outfits but none is quite right. Itís time for some serious shopping.



Actually I bought 8 pairs Ė none fit but theyíre all gorgeous.

 AFAIC-MarriageIs NAGI

As far as Iím concerned marriage is not only a good idea itís my only idea!! It fills my every thought and all my dreams Ė so why, why, why wonít you propose?


Donít dare text me back. I demand the last word! Ė Always!!



You forgot to send me a valentine card.


Cum2MyFlatL8r  PS Ė IDoNOTUslyDoThis!

Iím a nymphomaniac.



I love you dearly but itís the wrong time of the month.  




Iím too damn mean to send a card so this stupid little message will just have to do.

(H)~ (A)~ (P)~ (P)~ (Y)~  (B)~ (I)~ (R)~ (T)~ (H)~ (D)~ (A)~ (Y)~

I may be mean but at least Iím inventive.


If you are free to talk, like a real human being, then call me now - otherwise we can

 just continue wasting our time sending moronic, meaningless text messages.


I shouldnít have bought this bloody stupid phone from that dodgy market trader.


I havenít the foggiest idea where I am.


                Bloody cat wonít stop playing with the phone.


Iím dyslexic.


Iím stuck in a long, long queue.


Iím stuck in a long, long queue of ducks.


Playing Monopoly by text message was a pretty dumb idea.

* * * * * *

Itís snowing.

ď  ď  ď  ď  ď  ď

Itís raining.

ď ď CAT ď ď DOG ď ď

Itís raining cats and dogs.


Itís blowing a gale.


Your messages are so incredibly boring Iíve fallen asleep.

/\/\_/\/\_/\/\_/\/\_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

My mobile doubles as a heart rate monitor Ė Iíve just passed away.



We are seven little dwarfs who are currently making our way merrily to 

the place where we ply our trade.



You have just taken part in the first ever, mobile Mexican Wave.




We are from the planet Qwee. Give us the phone number of your 

leader or we shall destroy your planet in twenty Earth minutes.


I would be very much obliged if you would please go away.


Barman Ė we are much too lazy to walk all the way to the bar 

Ė please bring drinks to our table.


The answer to Q33 is actually 6. By this time tomorrow we will be in front of the Principal for cheating.


Testing 1 2 3 4 5 Testing 1 2 3 4 5 Testing 1 2 3 4 5

Iím a sad prat with a brand new phone and nothing to say.



Get lost moron.


..-.  ..-  -.-. -.-   --- ..-. ..-.

Iím a conventionalist so I much prefer to send 
text in the old fashioned way.



Excuse me but I wish to rob this bank and would be delighted if you would put lots of money into this sack marked Ďswag.í


I seem to have suddenly come down with a very bad dose of the cold.


You are a pain in the butt.


If PetrPiprPckdAPeckOfPckledPpersWhrsThPeckOfPckledPpersPetrPiprPcked?

Try this one after six pints!



This is my Last Will and Testament Ė Being of totally unsound mind I am leaving everything to you.





Extracts from UWOT!? by Stuart MacLean

Available from Amazon in most countries.


Uwot?! What those text messages really mean.

nos qwite goot thf hang oof tending sext massages yet?

Not quite got the hang of deciphering them either? 

Did that simple ĎLuvUí mean, ĎYou are my life, my world, my everythingí? Or did it mean, ĎI slept with your best friend last night and now Iím feeling guiltyí?

If youíre suffering from texting paranoia and find yourself pondering over the potential hidden meaning of  each message then this is the book for you. 

Never have so few letters said so much.


  UK    US   Germany 

  Japan  Canada


Copyright Stuart McLean. If you wish to use these quotes anywhere please request permission from



Emoticon Rhetoric  

:-)--- \<         I really fancy you.

:-(---/<         I really fancy you but have had eight pints.

 :-)=x<         I donít fancy you at all Ė Iím a eunuch.

(  v  )             I work on a building site.

 ) , (             Size doesnít matter.

 ) ! (             Size does matter.

)  v  (       Iím a virgin.  

) x  (        Iím an ex-virgin.

69                        Letís have kinky sex.

96                 Letís not have kinky sex Ďcos Iím not speaking to you.  

99                  Letís have a cone instead of kinky sex.

696969          Letís invite some others to have kinky sex.

 :-)oO<           Iím pregnant

:-)o8<             Itís twins!

;-#o< . - *        Iíve just vomited all over the floor.

;-)-SXY<          You have a very sexy body.

:+}-oí<             Your flyís undone.

?;+)                You are of questionable intelligence

£:-(               My headís pounding.

=:-(              Iím having a bad hair day.

;-£                    Put you money where your mouth is!

<]:^)               Stop clowning around.

<|:~,          You are an evil Witch.

.-)               They used to call me Lucky.

:-@                  You make me want to scream.

~:o                        Youíre such a big baby.

:-}-8=<     Iím delighted with the results of

                 my silicon implants.

:-{-%=<        Iím very unhappy with the results of 

                  my silicon implants.

 :-{}       Do you think Iím wearing too much lipstick?

(:  (=       Youíre looking quite ghostly today.

  :-o ^^^^;       Ouch - Iíve got my thingy caught in my zip.

$:-} B   >                      Iím a female prostitute.

$:-) :   8-                     Iím a male prostitute.

:-) :   8-...                   Iím just taking a leak.

(:-)     ?                      Iíve had a sex change.

*:-} 8   8-                     Iím a transvestite.

:-)  :-(  :-)  :-(    Iím a manic-depressive.

O:-)                     Iím a little Angel.

NO:-)          Iím no Angel.

@:-}                     Do you like my new hairdo?

;+)-8o{====                Is my mini skirt too short?

;-(?)                   Do you fancy a blowjob?

; &[}                   Yes - I do work at a nuclear test site. 

                          How did you know?


























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