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What those text messages REALLY mean!

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What those text messages really mean.

♂2♀

He says He means

ILuvU

I’m in bed with your best friend.

HdSmllXident – DntWryImOK

I cut off my left arm with a chain saw and have been rushed into intensive care where I am awaiting extensive micro-surgery.

HdOwsumTmeLstNite – RSVP – PLEASE

What a night!!! Don’t remember a thing – but some horny chick penned her mobile number across my chest! I wonder what she looks like???

LtsSpndaRmnticNiteHmeAlon

Cancel our plans for a night on the town. I lost all my wages on a ‘dead cert’ so we’ll have to stay home and watch TV instead.

SryCntCalU - Im@MprtntMtng

I have taken the afternoon off and am currently undertaking an important putt at the sixteenth.

urXed

Darling, I am sorry to have to break sad news to you. But last night I met the most wonderful, intelligent, beautiful girl. I think I’ve fallen in love with her and so, I’m devastated to have to tell you, that our relationship does not appear to have much of a future. . . . .

♀2♂

She says She means

ICntCU2NiteIHve02Wear

I’ve tried thirty-two of my outfits but none is quite right. It’s time for some serious shopping.

GotAPrShoes@Sales

Actually I bought 8 pairs – none fit but they’re all gorgeous.

AFAIC-MarriageIs NAGI

As far as I’m concerned marriage is not only a good idea it’s my only idea!! It fills my every thought and all my dreams – so why, why, why won’t you propose?

DoNOT-TMB

Don’t dare text me back. I demand the last word! – Always!!

GOOML SCUMBAG

You forgot to send me a valentine card.

Cum2MyFlatL8r PS – IDoNOTUslyDoThis!

I’m a nymphomaniac.

FckOffUBstrd

I love you dearly but it’s the wrong time of the month.

FromMe2U

HpyBday2U

I’m too damn mean to send a card so this stupid little message will just have to do.

(H)~ (A)~ (P)~ (P)~ (Y)~ (B)~ (I)~ (R)~ (T)~ (H)~ (D)~ (A)~ (Y)~

I may be mean but at least I’m inventive.

F2T?

If you are free to talk, like a real human being, then call me now - otherwise we can

just continue wasting our time sending moronic, meaningless text messages.

&*+£$%^

I shouldn’t have bought this bloody stupid phone from that dodgy market trader.

WherRU?

I haven’t the foggiest idea where I am.

$%fZx&M*=O=RjD£

Bloody cat won’t stop playing with the phone.

FUKFFO

I’m dyslexic.

QQQQQ

I’m stuck in a long, long queue.

&&&&&

I’m stuck in a long, long queue of ducks.

GoDirect2Jail

Playing Monopoly by text message was a pretty dumb idea.

* * * * * *

It’s snowing.

“ “ “ “ “ “

It’s raining.

“ “ CAT “ “ DOG “ “

It’s raining cats and dogs.

>>>>>G>>>>>A>>>L>>E

It’s blowing a gale.

zzzzZZZZ

Your messages are so incredibly boring I’ve fallen asleep.

/\/\_/\/\_/\/\_/\/\_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

My mobile doubles as a heart rate monitor – I’ve just passed away.

ioioItsOf2WrkWeGo

We are seven little dwarfs who are currently making our way merrily to

the place where we ply our trade.

____/\____/\____/\____/\____

You have just taken part in the first ever, mobile Mexican Wave.

Zmod&#Rp=Gob*sH!t@Q

We are from the planet Qwee. Give us the phone number of your

leader or we shall destroy your planet in twenty Earth minutes.

4kOff

I would be very much obliged if you would please go away.

2MorePintsAndaG&T

Barman – we are much too lazy to walk all the way to the bar

– please bring drinks to our table.

AnsQ33=42.124

The answer to Q33 is actually 6. By this time tomorrow we will be in front of the Principal for cheating.

Testing 1 2 3 4 5 Testing 1 2 3 4 5 Testing 1 2 3 4 5

I’m a sad prat with a brand new phone and nothing to say.

DntTxtMe-IlTxtU

Get lost moron.

..-.  ..-  -.-. -.-   --- ..-. ..-.

I’m a conventionalist so I much prefer to send

text in the old fashioned way.

ThsIsAStckUpHndOvrThe$$$$

Excuse me but I wish to rob this bank and would be delighted if you would put lots of money into this sack marked ‘swag.’

IDotADold

I seem to have suddenly come down with a very bad dose of the cold.

UR-BpaUinT

You are a pain in the butt.

PetrPiprPckdAPeckOfPckledPpersDidPetrPperPckAPeckOfPckledPpers?

If PetrPiprPckdAPeckOfPckledPpersWhrsThPeckOfPckledPpersPetrPiprPcked?

Try this one after six pints!

IleveAlMyStuf2U

This is my Last Will and Testament – Being of totally unsound mind I am leaving everything to you.

Extracts from UWOT!? by Stuart MacLean

Available from Amazon in most countries.

Uwot?! What those text messages really mean.

nos qwite goot thf hang oof tending sext massages yet?

Not quite got the hang of deciphering them either?

Did that simple ‘LuvU’ mean, ‘You are my life, my world, my everything’? Or did it mean, ‘I slept with your best friend last night and now I’m feeling guilty’?

If you’re suffering from texting paranoia and find yourself pondering over the potential hidden meaning of each message then this is the book for you.

Never have so few letters said so much.

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Emoticon Rhetoric

:-)--- \< I really fancy you.

:-(---/< I really fancy you but have had eight pints.

:-)=x< I don’t fancy you at all – I’m a eunuch.

( v ) I work on a building site.

) , ( Size doesn’t matter.

) ! ( Size does matter.

) v ( I’m a virgin.

) x ( I’m an ex-virgin.

69                        Let’s have kinky sex.

96 Let’s not have kinky sex ‘cos I’m not speaking to you.

99 Let’s have a cone instead of kinky sex.

696969 Let’s invite some others to have kinky sex.

:-)oO< I’m pregnant

:-)o8< It’s twins!

;-#o< . - * I’ve just vomited all over the floor.

;-)-SXY< You have a very sexy body.

:+}-o’<             Your fly’s undone.

?;+) You are of questionable intelligence

£:-( My head’s pounding.

=:-( I’m having a bad hair day.

;-£ Put you money where your mouth is!

<]:^) Stop clowning around.

<|:~, You are an evil Witch.

.-) They used to call me Lucky.

:-@ You make me want to scream.

~:o You’re such a big baby.

:-}-8=< I’m delighted with the results of

my silicon implants.

:-{-%=< I’m very unhappy with the results of

my silicon implants.

:-{} Do you think I’m wearing too much lipstick?

(: (= You’re looking quite ghostly today.

:-o ^^^^; Ouch - I’ve got my thingy caught in my zip.

$:-} B > I’m a female prostitute.

$:-) : 8- I’m a male prostitute.

:-) : 8-... I’m just taking a leak.

(:-) ? I’ve had a sex change.

*:-} 8 8- I’m a transvestite.

:-)  :-(  :-)  :-(    I’m a manic-depressive.

O:-) I’m a little Angel.

NO:-) I’m no Angel.

@:-} Do you like my new hairdo?

;+)-8o{==== Is my mini skirt too short?

;-(?) Do you fancy a blowjob?

; &[} Yes - I do work at a nuclear test site.

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