The positive side of being an oldie.

You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.

You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.

Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.

You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.

You have survived the humiliation of middle age.

You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.

You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.

You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.

You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.

You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.

Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.

You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.