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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of woop ass joke and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 6
No soup for you. .
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Situations Humor
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One dayhe has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar ofVaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must beleft out in the rain. A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Sheasks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readilyagrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up onhis Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in shetells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks firstafter dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the firstperson to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteenminutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word. . . ! Next he decides to take a more directapproach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word. . . !!! Now he is gettingdesperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word. . . !!!!By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls outthe Vaseline. And the father says, 'Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes. '
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Strange Humor
Include your children when baking cookies!Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be BeltedSomething Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysBritish Left Waffles on Falkland IslandsLost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children $2. 00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factoryWanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last. This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. See ladies blouses. 50% off!Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1. 00.
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Yo Mama Joke
Yo mama head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
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Blonde Joke - 2
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: 'There are no fish in there'. So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her. 'How do you know there are no fish there?' asks the blonde. So the man cooly says 'Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes. '
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Spiked Humor
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign on a Norfolk farm: 'Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left. ' Sign seen in London department store: 'Bargain Basement Upstairs' Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: 'Closed for official opening. ' Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: 'Please leave your values at the front desk. ' Sign in a hotel in Athens: 'Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily. ' Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: 'The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. ' Sign in a Japanese hotel: 'You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. ' Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: 'You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
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Legal Humor
WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v. s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC. , Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B'191294
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Political Joke
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. 'Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of. . . (blah blah waffle)'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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