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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of women men want to marry and other funny jokes |
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Cannibal Joke
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
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Practical Joke
Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival. -----------------------------------------------------------------1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. 2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion. . . what was that conclusion, anyway?3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. 4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger. 5. And God said, 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything onSatan. '6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse. '7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat. '8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. 9. I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know. 10. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. 11. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. 12. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec. 13. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. 14. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end. 15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white. 16. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?19. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home. 20. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. 21. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt. 22. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is. 23. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels. 24. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example. 25. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. 26. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him. 27. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics. 28. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: 'Thyroid problem?'29. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries. 30. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. 31. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. 32. The key to a good relationship is they key. Give me back the key. 33. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska. 34. Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never 'positive sexual side-effects. ' It's never 'gigantism, ' is it?36. What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity'? Well, I have to know for sure. 37. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven. '38. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax. 39. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself. 40. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo. 41. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale. 42. I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. 43. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head. 44. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem. 45. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear. 47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: 'Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and. . . ' Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: 'How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?' So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited. 48. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master. 49. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch. 50. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? 'My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room. 'SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!!51. Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.
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Money Joke
Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.
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Joke for Speeches
Mother calls up stairs, 'You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!'As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, 'Today we're gonna learn to swear!' The 4-year-old gives a fearful look. The 5-year-old continues, 'When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!' The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. 'Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?'The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head. . . 'Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!'He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking. Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, 'Well now, what would you like for breakfast?'The 4-year-old replies, 'I don't know ma. . . But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!'
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Weather Joke
What game do tornadoes like to play? -Twister
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Animal World
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign sayingDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed aharmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, 'Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to bewareof?''Yep, that's him, ' he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. 'That certainly doesn't look likea dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?''Because', the owner replied, 'before I posted that sign, people kepttripping over him. '
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Joke for Speeches
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? DWAYNE THE TUB! I'M DWOWNING!
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Humorous Joke
One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, 'Son what happened?''I jumped in that creek down the road. ''Why did you do that?''I dunno. 'His dad was very angry and said, 'If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?''Yes dad. ' replies his son. The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in. When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, 'Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?''Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!'His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him - 'Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'. ''Ok dad. ' replied the son. Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked. His dad said, 'I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!''I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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