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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of witty birthday wishes and other funny jokes |
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Easy to Remember Joke
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. 'That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits, ' he said. 'Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?' At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. 'Hey, ' the husband said, 'let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does. ' Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 'Now, ' said the husband with an evil smile, 'tell HIM you have a headache!'
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Mother Joke
Four brothers were successful doctors and lawyers. They decided to give their elderly mother a gift.
One gave her a big house.
Another gave her a big $100,000. 00 theater for her new house.
Another gave her an expensive car.
The fourth son said, 'Listen, you know, too, she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 priests 12 yrs. to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000. a year for 20 years to the church. ' Let me tell you, it was worth it! All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it. ' The other brothers were so impressed.
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Science Joke
If a tree falls in the forest, and there's noone there to hear it, does it make a sound?Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.
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Totally Weird Joke
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: 'I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth. 'The woman then says: 'Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!'To which the dentist replies, 'Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!'
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Joke for Halloween
Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection. 'Hey johnson!' yelled the drill instructor, ' those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! ' 'Yes, sir' the young man answered. 'Those shoes are really really ugly, right?' hollered the D. I again 'Yes, sir!''And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?' 'Yes, sir', answered the recruit. 'So why didnt you get a haircut?' 'I was saving up for shoes, sir!'
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Funny Famous Joke
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc. ) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.
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Military Joke
China blames U. S. for second mid-air collision!Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States, ? Fully responsible' for today?s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged. A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed 'Panda Rash', told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet. 'I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight. ' said the pilot 'He could not shake the American foreign-devil' The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron. Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp ' Fully responsible for the incident' repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident. China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology. Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots. 'The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant' Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying. Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.
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Mental health Joke
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, 'People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. ' The others agreed. Then one said, 'Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?' The other three agreed. The first then confessed, 'I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. ' The second psychiatrist said, 'I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. ' The third followed with, 'I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. ' The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, 'I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't kee p a secret. . . '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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