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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of witty birthday cards and other funny jokes |
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Stupid Men
Why do men call their wives 'the little woman'?
'What?? You expect me to remember her name?'
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At Work Joke
'Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you. 'THIS MEANS:1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does. 2. He is not in complete control of his hands. 3. His emotions are shattered. 4. His skin is numb. 5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i. e. professional wrestler)6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense. 7. He has been covered in saran-wrap. 8. He is in an isolation tank. 9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake. 10. He is feeling others. :) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick GassJenSch@aol. com
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Kids Puns
Feel Free to Cut and PasteThe Mr. Right Rejection Letter FormDear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:[Check all those that apply]___ Your breasts are bigger than mine. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms bythetruckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i. e. , I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants. ___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you babe?' comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the credit check. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You still live with your parents. ___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine. ___ Three words: Size does matter. Sincerely, [Your name here]
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Golf Joke
A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.
Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, 'Goddamn it, missed the bugger!' and the vicar says, 'If you keep saying that then God will punish you. '
Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says 'Goddamn it, missed the bugger!' and the vicar says, 'ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!'
Then Colin misses a one foot putt and 'GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!'
Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.
God says, 'Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!'
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Bath Joke
Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?
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Car and train Joke
Policeman: Why were you speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.
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American Joke
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs. . . this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, 'Now, tell him
you have a headache.
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Funny Kids Joke
What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?Russell!A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn. 'Why are you doing that?' asked his neighbour'It's to keep the elephants off the grass', he replied. 'But we don't get elephants round here!''I know - good stuff isn't it!' What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?Warren!What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?Terrified!What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?Squashed!Who lost a herd of elephants?Big bo peep!What is an elephants favorite film?Elephantasia What do elephants say as a compliment?You look elephantastic!What do you do with old cannon balls?Give them to elephants to use as marbles!What animals were last to leave the ark?The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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