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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of wild west comedy show and other funny jokes |
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School Joke
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, 'I bet I know what it is. Some flowers. ' '
That's right' the boy said, 'but how did you know?'
'Oh, just a wild guess,' she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, 'I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets. '
'That's right, but how did you know?' asked the girl.
'Oh, just a wild guess,' said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
'Is it wine?' she asked.
'No,' the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
'Is it champagne?' she asked.
'No,' the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, 'I give up, what is it?'
With great glee, the boy replied, 'It's a puppy!'
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Simple Joke
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick, ' he told me, 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife. )'Honey, ' I called, 'come look at the hamster!' 'Oh, my gosh, ' my wife diagnosed after a minute. 'She's having babies. ' 'What?' My son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!' I accused my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!' She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically. )'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' My son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know, ' she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, ' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth. ''OH, Gross!' They shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?' My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress, ' I noted. 'It's breech, ' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' My son urged. 'Okay, okay. ' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' My eldest daughter wanted to know, ' Maybe they could talk us through the trauma. ' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)'Let's get Ernie to the vet, ' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe, ' he urged. 'I don't think hamsters do Lamaze, ' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb. )The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a c-section?' I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation. 'Oh, very interesting, ' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' My wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly, ' the vet assured us. 'This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy. ''What?''You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . . er . . . masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back. ' He blushed, glancing at my wife. 'Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron. 'We were silent, absorbing this. 'So Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited?'! My wife offered. 'Exactly, ' the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just . . . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its teeny little . . . ' she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough, ' I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad, ' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea, ' my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter. Enough said.
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Vampire Joke
What do you call a vampire junkie? Count Drugula.
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Yo momma Joke
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
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Law and Lawyer Joke
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A good start!
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Police Joke
A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go. They take off and the man says to his wife: - And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!
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Pig Joke
I told you not to let those pigs In my office.
Now, look what's happened.
They've eaten all the dates off my calendar!
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Situation Joke
A tipsy guy in a bar stood and made the following speech, 'I am white from head to toe. I am rich and I am handsome. My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N. ' Thoroughly annoyed, Sam retorted, 'My name is Sam and I am white from head to toe. Except my asshole. Which is brown. B-R-O-W-N. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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