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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of weird xmas presents and other funny jokes |
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Law Joke
A man went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it. ”
The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me. ”
“Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!”
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Celebrities Joke
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?From a catalogue.
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Aviation Joke
A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport. After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him 'Excuse me, Captain' she says, 'I am doing a survey on human sexuality. . . I was wondering if you could answer a few questions. . . ' The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three questions, she asks him '. . . and when was the last time you had sex?'. Straight away the Captain replies '1959'. The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks '1959 isn't that a long time ago?'. 'Oh' the pilot replies 'I guess so. . . but it's only 2015 now. . . '
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Bumper Stickers - 1
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Computing Joke
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting 'I can't believe it!' and 'It's a miracle' and 'He's alive!'. There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. 'Is it over?' he asked. 'Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?'The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet. 'That sounds terrific, ' said Jack. 'But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?''Well, ' said the spokesman. 'The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL'.
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Practical Joke
Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:Here lies an AtheistAll dressed upAnd no place to go.
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Spoof Joke
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, 'I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money. . . even more then you did. ' They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, 'I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead, ) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'
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Humorous Joke
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, 'Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!' So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. 'Why are you naked?' he asks. 'Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you. ''Okay. ' the man replies 'I'll go get ready. 'He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. 'Who the hell are you?!' the man asks. 'I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with. 'The husband exclaims, 'But you are naked!'The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says. . . 'Those little bastards!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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