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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of weird tales of the ramones and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either.
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Bumper Stickers - 5
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
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Humor Joke
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry. ' The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry. ' She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle. ' 'That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?' 'I don't like her. '
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Ethnic Joke - 2
This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with asign 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. ' 'Hans Olaffsen?', he thinks. 'How inthe world does that fit in here?'So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sittingin the corner. The visitor asks, 'How in the world did this placeget a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'The old man answers 'Is name of owner. 'The visitor asks 'Well, who is the owner?''I am he, ' answers the old man. 'You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?'The old man replies, 'Many years ago when I come to this country, Iwas standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of mewas big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' Hesay, ' Hans Olaffsen. ' She look at me say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting. '
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E-mail Joke
How does James Bond type e-mails? With his goldfinger.
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Bar Joke - 2
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, father, what causes arthritis?' 'Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man. ' 'Well I'll be. ' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?' 'I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. '
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Priceless Joke
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, 'What's the camel for?'. The Sergeant replied 'Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel. 'The captain said 'Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me. 'After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, 'BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!'The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the enlisted men do it?'The Sergeant replied, 'Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town. '
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Miscellaneous Joke
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say 'oh geez, better get cracking' and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming 'Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!' 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, 'I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. ' Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, 'I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?' 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say 'They've found me, I have to leave the country' and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out 'Merry Christmas. 'If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out 'Forget this!' and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, 'the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!' 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling 'I'm here, the phantom of the opera' until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say 'you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!' 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment 'Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. ' 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say 'it helps me think. ' Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase 'Told you so'. 50. Answer the exam with the 'Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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