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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of weird al yankovic videos and other funny jokes |
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Miscellaneous Joke
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -'Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?'The officer replied, 'Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there. ' She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, 'Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?'The blonde replied, 'Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. . . The 45th bus just went by!'
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Legal Humor
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford tobe screwed for?
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Political Joke
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
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Comedy Joke
*** Things that can and do bother the 'normal' person. ***Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a 'blank stare' when you look at them. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror anddiscover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. . . OUCH!Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. . . DOUBLE OUCH!People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
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Mouse Joke
What goes eek, eek, bang? A mouse in a minefield !
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Celebrities Joke
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat. ' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager. ' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy, what's your name?' 'Sam, ' the man moaned. 'Where ya from, Sam?' With pain in his voice Sam replied 'the balcony. ' Sent by Zena
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Funny Famous Joke
Did you hear about the queer deaf mute? - Neither did he.
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Assorted Joke
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, 'I'll have a beer' and turns to the ostrich. 'What's yours?' 'I'll have a beer too' says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says 'That will be $3. 40 please, ' and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says 'I'll have a beer, ' and the ostrich says 'I'll have the same. ' Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the bartender. 'Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch' says the man. 'Same for me' says the ostrich. 'That will be $7. 20' says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?''Well, ' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there. ''That's brilliant!' says the bartender. 'Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!''That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, ' says the man. 'That's fantastic!' says the bartender. 'You are a genius! . . . Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?'The man replies, 'Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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