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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of weird al pitiful and other funny jokes |
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Business Joke
1. If it rings, put it on hold. 2. If it clunks, call the repairman. 3. If it whistles, ignore it. 4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat. 5. If it's the boss, look busy. 6. If it talks, take notes. 7. If it's handwritten, type it. 8. if it's typed, copy it. 9. If it's copied, file it. 10. If it's Friday, forget it!
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Bar Joke - 1
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, 'You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman. '
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Horse Joke
Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!
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Kids Puns
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERSI was so poor growing up. . . If I wasn't born a boy. . I'd have nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said . . . . 'Come on over, there's nobody home. ' I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work . . . I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that?'He said, 'Because you came home early. 'Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid. . . When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I was such an ugly baby. . . My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly. . . My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born . . . . the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. . . But he pulled through. 'I'm so ugly . . . My mother had morning sickness - after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost. . . . . I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him . . . . 'Do you think we'll ever find them?'He said, 'I don't know kid . . . there are so many places they can hide. 'My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly. . . I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror. . . I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' he said. . . 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. 'I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Dog Joke - 1
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs. ' 'Odd, ' her companion replies, 'but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do. ' Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. 'Two dogs, please, ' says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. ' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, 'What part did you get?'
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Animal World
Tourist guide at zoo: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, thelargest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside. . . . Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside . . . MADAM . . . MADAM . . . , too late; George, dig her out. '
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Naughty Joke
A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minorheart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. Thecardiologist said, 'Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'llbe the best thing you can do for your recovery. 'So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife whatthe doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, 'That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice. '
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Gorilla Joke
How do you make a Gorilla laugh? Tell it an elephant joke!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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