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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of wedding speech humour and other funny jokes |
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Money Joke
Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.
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Frog Joke
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute ? A frog with hiccups !
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Joke for Speeches
Knock! Knock!Who's there?Rita. Rita who?Rita book, you might learn something. Knock! Knock!Who's there?Police. Police who?Police open the door, I'm tired of knocking. Knock! Knock!Who's there?Henrietta. Henrietta who?Henrietta worm that was in his apple. Knock! Knock!Who's there?Carrie. Carrie who?Carrie on with what you're doing, I'm at the wrong door. Knock! Knock!Who's there?Anita. Anita who?Anita drink of water. Knock! Knock!Who's ther?Dwain. Dwain who?Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwrowning.
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Joke of the Day
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more. 'Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink, ' she suggested smiling. 'Good idea, ' says the husband looking forward to being waited on. He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily. 'If there's anything else you'd like just call, ' says the wife as she leaves the bathroom. When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer 'What the heck is that for?' asks the husband snappily. 'Oh Darling, ' says the wife, flustered, 'I thought I heard you say, 'Whataboutahottawaterbottle. '
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Farming Joke
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, 'The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was. ' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year. ''
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School Joke
My teenaged niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, 'Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing. '
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, 'I'm going left. '
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Vampire Joke
What is Dracula's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
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Computer Joke
Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?' 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. ' 'What sort of trouble?' 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. ' 'Went away?' 'They disappeared. ' 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' 'Nothing. ' 'Nothing?' 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. ' 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' 'How do I tell?' 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?' 'What's a sea-prompt?' 'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?' 'There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type. ' 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' 'What's a monitor?' 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' 'I don't know. ' 'Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?' 'Yes, I think so. ' 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. ' '. . . . . . Yes, it is. ' 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?' 'No. ' 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. ' '. . . . . . Okay, here it is. ' 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. ' 'I can't reach. ' 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?' 'No. ' 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark. ' 'Dark?' 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i n from the window. ' 'Well, turn on the office light then. ' 'I can't. ' 'No? Why not?' 'Because there's a power outage. ' 'A power. . . A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?' 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. ' 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. ' 'Really? Is it that bad?' 'Yes, I'm afraid it is. ' 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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