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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of watch funny movies online and other funny jokes |
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Best Joke
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, 'Okay, Mrs. Jones, whats the problem?'The mother says, 'Its my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, shes putting on weight and is sick most mornings. 'The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother andsays, 'Well, I dont know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant -about 4 months would be my guess. 'The mother says, 'Pregnant?! She cant be, she has never ever been leftalone with a man! Have you Darla?'Darla says, 'No mother! Ive never even kissed a man!'The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, 'Is there somethingwrong out there doctor?'The doctor replies, 'No, not really, its just that the last time anythinglike this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men cameover the hill. Ill be darned if Im going to miss it this time!'
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Law Joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Joke for Halloween
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. . . must try this on their bed (again). DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, inattempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan. . . DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo. ' What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 'allergies. ' Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time. . . .
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Funny Kids Joke
Why does an ostrich have such a long neck?
Because it's head is so far from it's body.
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Lawyer Joke
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:'A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?'After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, 'A lawyer!'
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Children Joke
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. 'First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse', she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. 'O. K. , now take off my skirt', and he takes off her skirt. 'Now take off my bra', which he does. 'And now, Johnny, please take off my panties'. Johnny finishes removing these too. His mother then says, 'Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!'
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Ethnic Joke - 1
The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor 'Big Chief no fart. ' The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, 'Big Chief no fart. ' The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, 'Big Chief no fart. ' After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and says 'Big fart no Chief!'
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Law Enforcement Joke
My horoscope read, 'You're going places and you can't be stopped. 'Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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