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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of voicemail jokes and other funny jokes |
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Joke Online
. . . A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, 'Where does you go to school?' The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. 'Yale, ' she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, 'WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??'
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Zoo Joke
An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, 'Have you looked in the yellow pages'? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under 'animal capturing service' he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. 'Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?', the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. 'Hop in the truck', the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat. 'Now, ' the little man said, 'I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knoc k the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him. The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said 'I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?' The little man said, 'Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!'
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At Work Joke
When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball. When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
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Computing Joke
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single 'General Car Fault' warning light. 8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm). 10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.
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Relationships Joke
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. 'That's terrible!!!' said her husband, 'What would you like to do during your last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you. ''Well, ' she said, 'First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !''Gee, Honey. ' said her husband, 'I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't'
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Women Joke
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months! - I don't like to interrupt her.
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Mother Joke
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: 'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!'
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: 'I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?'
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: 'After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: 'Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!'
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: 'I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!'
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: 'Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!'
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: 'Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?'
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: 'All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!'
CUSTER'S MOTHER: 'Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!'
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: 'Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?'
BARNEY'S MOTHER: 'I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple. '
MARY'S MOTHER: 'I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you. '
BATMAN'S MOTHER: 'It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?'
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: 'I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?'
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: 'Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!'
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: 'But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something. . . ?'
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: 'The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!'
JONAH'S MOTHER: 'That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days. '
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: 'Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?'
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: 'Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!
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Knock Knock Joke - 3
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Momma.
Momma who?
Momma, please open the door it's cold out here!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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