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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of voice mail jokes and other funny jokes |
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Christmas Joke - 1
Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I'm on my way, Father Christmas. Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on! That's all right! There's only one foot of snow!
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School Joke
Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S. A. P. ) ENGLISH 1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question? a. b. c. d. e. none of the above 2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______ a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak 3. pork:algae :: green:_______ a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red 4. mugger:park :: king:_______ a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak READING COMPREHENSION Read the following carefully and answer the questions below. In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upperatmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects theweather. These contentions, however, are for the most partunconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, aBritish researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that 'theperiods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenzavirus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots. 'Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such asthis one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists. Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in suchpossibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaksof plague-spreading rodents in central Asia. 1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking? a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media 2. The term 'most Western' means a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct 3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats b. The sun has sunspots c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer d. all of the above MATHEMATICS 1. Which of the following is a number? a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5 2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from Grover? a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only 3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the watch's value? a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above /50 6/5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ __/ 2 of the figure at the right. / 2 a. 0 b. 50% c. c only / d. the answer is a 9 /7 10 e. go back, it's a / 8__ 6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him? a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities. These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and bare equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one isbigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannotbe determined from the information given, choose g if you have noidea. a. 2 b. 15 a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square whose area is 10 whose area is 10 a. my dad b. your dad a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa a. something b. nothing a. a mountain b. a molehill
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Relationships Joke
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for adivorce. The attorney asked, 'May I help you?' The farmer said, 'Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's. 'The attorney said, 'well do you have any grounds?' The farmersaid, 'Yea, I got about 140 acres. ' The attorney said, ' No, youdon't understand, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, Idon't have a Case, but I have a John Deere. 'The attorney said, 'No you don't understand, I mean do you havea grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yea I got a grudge, that's where Ipark my John Deere. ' The attorney said, 'No sir, I mean do youhave a suit?'The farmer said, 'Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church onSundays. 'The exasperated attorney said, 'Well sir, does yourwife beat you up or anything?'The farmer said, 'No sir, we both get up about 4:30. 'Finally, the attorney says, 'Okay, let me put it this way. 'WHYDO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?'And the farmer says, 'Well, I can never have a meaningfulconversation with her. '
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Kids Joke
The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11 Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9 Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9 Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13 A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14 When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
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Best Joke Online
This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it. Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her , 'Why the turkey and Santa?'She replied, 'I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!'
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Irish Joke
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. 'Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick. 'Five minutes later he said, 'Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late. 'A moment later, 'Er. . . sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected. 'One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. 'Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?'
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Computer Joke
Managing programmers is like herding cats
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Humorous Joke
Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
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