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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of very funny films and other funny jokes |
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Joke for Speeches
A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people: 'Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?'All the Poles reply: 'Meat? What is meat?'Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets: 'Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?'All the Soviets reply: 'Think? What is think?'Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: 'Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?'All the Americans reply: 'Lack? What is lack?'Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis: 'Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?'To which all the Israelis reply: 'Excuse me? What is excuse me?'
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School Joke for Kids
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis. They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of 'duck waddling' down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem. One says, 'my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. ' Which of us is correct?The old man replies, 'Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!'
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Funny Famous Joke
A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place. 'Grandma, what happened to the kitten?' 'It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead. ''Where does a kitten go when it dies?' 'God takes the kitten to heaven. 'The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, 'But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?'
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Various animal Joke
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
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Satire Joke
Mom's Brownies Recipe. . . Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr 'no, no. 'Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. FrostingMix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar1 oz unsweetened chocolate1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven
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Food Joke
What's the fastest cake in the world? Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.
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Simple Joke
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing 'I Gotta Be Me' around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing 'I can't get no satisfaction, ' gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level '3
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Medicine Joke
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a fieldassignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis ballseverywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered'When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro. 'The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballseverywhere. When asked why he said 'When I get out of here Igoing to be a professional baseball player. 'The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in themiddle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanuton the end of his penis. The student asked, 'I understand aboutthe others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?''They're never going to let me out of here, ' the patientsaid 'I'm f**king nuts!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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