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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of ur so dumb jokes and other funny jokes |
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Dog Joke - 1
What do you call a dog with no legs ? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come !
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Mother Joke
Mothers stress the lovely meaning of Mother's Day by gathering
their children and tenderly saying, 'I carried every one of you
in my body for nine months and then my hips started spreading
because of you. I wasn't built like this until you were born
and I didn't have this big blue vein in the back of my leg.
You did this to me. '
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Bicycle Joke
What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle ? Bike carbonate of soda !
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Bumper Stickers - 3
FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !!
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Sports Humor
How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.
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Best Joke
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers. (From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. 'Hi. Now you say something. ''Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. ' beep 'Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?'(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!'Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ''Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. ''Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. ''This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. ''Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. ''Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. ''If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. ''You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ''You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. 'Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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Farmer Joke
How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.
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Fun Joke
In The Beginning was The Plan. And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without formAnd the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness wasupon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying. . . 'It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh. ' And the workers went unto their Supervisors andsayeth, 'It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof. 'And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, 'It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such thatnone may abide by it. 'And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, 'It is avessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength. 'And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, 'It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong. 'And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth untothem, 'It promotes growth and is very powerful. 'And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, 'This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency ofthis Company, and in these areas in particular. 'And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy. This IsHow Shit Happens.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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