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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of uk comedy shows and other funny jokes |
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Simple Joke
Somewhere in America, next week. . . Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: What's up, Dad?Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of 'scratch the car', that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car. Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did 'I' scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car? Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was 'Did I scratch the car?'. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car. . . the mailbox did. . . I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of 'No' when you asked 'Did I scratch the car' was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From The President of the United States.
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Love and Marriage Joke
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!
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Book title Joke
Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis
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Political Joke
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Short Stupid Joke
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits. And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me back in '74. Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day They git it at Wal-Mart It's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger. 'That's impressive, ' I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. 'Diamonds are forever, ' they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor
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School Joke
Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making ? Dad: Why is that, what are you making ? Pupil: Mistakes !
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Bumper Stickers - 3
Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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Biologist Joke
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: 'You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. ' The frog is thrilled, 'This is great! Will I meet her at a party?' 'No, ' says his Advisor, 'in her biology class. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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