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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of u tube funny videos and other funny jokes |
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Elderly People Joke
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a youngman in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space shewas waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up tothe man and said, 'I was going to park there!' The man was a real smartaleck and he said, 'That's what you can do when you're young andbright. 'Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car andbacked it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into hisMercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, 'What did you dothat for?' The little old lady smiled and told him, 'That's what you can do when you're old and rich!'
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Bar Joke - 1
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: 'Drinks for all on me including you, bartender. ' So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: 'That will be $36. 50 please. ' The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. 'What, no drink for me?' replies the bartender. 'Oh, no. You get violent when you drink. '
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Kids Puns
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, 'I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie. . . . Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, 'How many times did you cheat on your wife?' The first man replied, 'Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife. ' The Lord replied, 'Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, 'How many times did you cheat on your wife?' The second man replied, 'Lord, I cheated on my wife twice. ' The Lord replied, 'I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, 'So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?' The third man replied, 'Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times. ' The Lord replied, 'I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. 'Why are you crying?' the two men asked. 'You got the mansion and limo!' The first man replied, 'I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!'
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School Joke
A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front
door of a school. It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a
piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard. The priest took the chalk and wrote in large letters, “I'm a priest and I pray for you all. ”
A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he
added under it, “I'm a lawyer and I defend you all. ”
Then, a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk, and wrote on the blackboard, “I'm a doctor and I cure you all. ”
Finally, an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, “I am an ordinary citizen and I pay for you all. ”
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Miscellaneous Joke
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single batSTANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: 'What the heckare you doing down there?'And the fellow shouts back: 'Yoga!'
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Funny Joke
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. 'You've got to have a room somewhere' he pleaded. ' -- Or just a bed - I don't care where. ' 'Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, ' admitted the manager, ' and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. ' 'No problem, ' the tired travelers assured him. 'I'll take it. ' The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. 'How'd you sleep?' asked the manager. 'Never better. ' The manager was impressed. 'No problem with the other guy snoring, then?' 'Nope, I shut him up in no time' said Dave. 'How'd you manage that?' asked the manager. 'He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, ' Dave explained. ' I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful, ' and he sat up all night watching me. '
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Old People Joke
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, 'Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50. '
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, 'It's his turn with the teeth. '
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Funny Kids Joke
Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
Because he wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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