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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of tom and jerry fun games and other funny jokes |
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Money Joke
Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.
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Miscellaneous Joke
The 5 questions most feared by men are:1. . . What are you thinking about?2. . . Do you love me?3. . . Do I look fat?4. . . Do you think she is prettier than me?5. . . What would you do if I died?What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i. e. , tells the truth). As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about?The proper answer to this, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. ' This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. . . Baseball. b. . . Football. c. . . How fat you are. d. . . How much prettier she is than you. e. . . How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, 'If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!'Question # 2: Do you love me?The proper response is: 'YES!' or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, 'Yes, dear. ' Inappropriate responses include: a. . . Oh Yeah, crap loads. b. . . Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. . . That depends on what you mean by love. d. . . Does it matter? e. . . Who, me?Question # 3: Do I look fat?The correct answer is an emphatic: 'Of course not!' Among the incorrect answers are: a. . . Compared to what? b. . . I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. . . A little extra weight looks good on you. d. . . I've seen fatter. e. . . Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: 'Of course not!' Incorrect responses include:a. . . Yes, but you have a better personality. b. . . Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. . . Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. . . Define pretty. e. . . Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died?A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is 'Buy a Corvette and a Boat'). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).
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Joke Online
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. 'I'm not aware of your problem, ' the doctor said. 'So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning. ''Of course, ' replied the patient. . . 'In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth. . . '
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Dead and dying Joke
At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. 'Yes, ' she replied. 'He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin. . . '
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Internet Joke
What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet? The Site-anic.
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Miscellaneous Joke
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off. 2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do. 3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower. 4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization. 5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate. 6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero. 8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once. 9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage. 10) The entire British population lives in London. 11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly. 12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances. 13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
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Romance Joke
After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, 'You know what I really feel like honey ?' 'Well sure, ' she blushed, 'But we gotta eat sometime !'
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Joke for Kids
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge). Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell. Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity. Man: OK. The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor. Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next. The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors. Man: That looks worse, got anything left. The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee. Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one. Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?Man: Absolutely!The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says - 'Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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