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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of text joke of the day and other funny jokes |
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Best Joke
A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. 'We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth. . . can you make it?'Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church. 'Hey, Joe. . . can you help me out??' He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him. 'Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!'. 'Joe, don't worry. . . I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card. . . find the sin. . . and follow it over to the appropriate penance. . . it's that simple. . . here comes the first penetant. . . try it!!'So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen. . . 'Bless me Father. . . I have sinned. . . I have had impure thoughts. ' Joe looks at the list. . . finds 'Impure Thoughts' and orders: 'Say twoOur Fathers, three Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more. ''Thank you, Father, 'replies the penetant. Hey. . . this is easy!! The next one comes in. 'Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated. 'Fornication. . . fornication. . . can't find it. . . oh there it is on the back. 'Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more. '. 'Thank you, Father'. Then the third arrives. 'Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex. 'Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. 'Pssst. . . Jimmy. . . c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?'The boy replies. . . 'A Snickers and a Coke. Why?
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Kids Joke
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks'What's that mum ? ' His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, 'That's where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!' and little Harry replies, 'Good shot, right in the CUNT!'
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Animal World
German Shepard on Golf Course A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.
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Comedy Joke
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David BissonetteA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa GaborI'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa GaborWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha GuitryMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneAfter marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant JoshiA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana TurnerMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West'I was married by a judge. . . I should have asked for a jury. '- George BurnsUnknown Author QuotesMarriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore . . . Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3. 95 a minute.
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Military Joke
A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: 'I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do 'it' as soon as I step ashore. ' The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: 'I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I. D. cards. '
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Various animal Joke
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.
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Joke Online
I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago. You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one. The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late! I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw. I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane! If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move? Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
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Sport Joke
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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