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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of strange clocks and other funny jokes |
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Miscellaneous Joke
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, 'I bet you are a surgeon'. She confirms and asks how he knew. 'Easy, you're always washing your hands. 'She then says, 'I bet you're an anesthesiologist. 'Male doctor: 'Wow, how did you guess?'Female doctor: 'I didn't feel a thing!'
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Computing Joke
SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of 'The Monster Mash') I was working in the lab, late one nightWhen my eyes beheld an eerie sight, Some smoke from our VAX began to riseAnd suddenly, to my surprise. . . [chorus](There was a crash) There was a system crash(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash(A system crash) It came down in a flash(There was a crash) A fatal system crash The lab manager then appeared from his room, Said: 'I don't want to be a prophet of doom, But we had one like this just the other dayWhich blew up 4 megs and the SBA'[chorus] The system had just been booted, diagnosticshad all run through, When a power fluck made itall run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew tooSo we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one nightWhen a VP came in and said: 'hey, that's all right, I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to doWhen you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you. . . [chorus]
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Funny Kids Joke
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?A: A stripey sweater!Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?A: She's got that down in the mouth look!Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?A: A peeping tom!Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?A: Because he has sandy claws!Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?A: 'Pleased to eat you. '!Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?A: Frostbite!Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?A: Chocolate mousse!
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Dumb People Joke
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
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Joke for Kids
These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, 'Those ones were pointed on the wrong end. 'The buddy gets exasperated and says. . . 'You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!'
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Dumb People Joke
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?' he wrote, 'No. ' The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was 'Why?' The applicant answered it anyway: 'Never got caught. '
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Silliest Joke
What have an apple and an orange got in common?Neither of them can drive a tractor!
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Worlds Best Joke
What happened to the Pope when he visited Mount Olive? - Popeye almost killed him.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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