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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of stand up one liners and other funny jokes |
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Kids Puns
George Carlin's Reflections on Life:1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. 12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!'15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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Bumper Stickers - 7
Which came first, the woman or the department store?
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School Joke for Kids
There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat. He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up. This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside. 'What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing. ''Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea. ''Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like. . . ''Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know. . . she has diarrhea. ''Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to. . . ''Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums. . . a common disease called piarhemia. ''Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?''Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!'
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Worlds Best Joke
Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these. . . Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, 'Pick Me!! Pick Me!!'Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to 'Mission Impossible'. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, 'NO, NO! It's those voices again!'Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people just leave me alone?'Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle. Re-dress mannequins as you see fit. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares. 'Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms. Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you're a man)Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, 'I need tampons!'Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.
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Funny Joke - 50 best Joke
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ. '' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ. '' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ. '' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it. '' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''
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Music Joke
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
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Bar Joke - 2
Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:'Jack, what happened to you?!?''It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!''Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?''Naw. . . After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack -- so I tried to poke it back in. '
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Dumb People Joke
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts. Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating. After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be. The artist said, 'You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts, ' he explained. 'That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those bloody Indians come from?''
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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