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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of stand up comedy workshops and other funny jokes |
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Law and Lawyer Joke
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, 'Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?' 'Of course not, dear. ' replied the mother, 'Why would you think that?' 'The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man. ''
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Animal World
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. 'That's fantastic', the man said. 'Hasn't he scored three bulls?'The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. 'Yes, sir!', he announced to the crowd. 'This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!''I don't want any bloody glasses', the drunk replied. 'Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!'
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Annabel ! Annabel who ? Annabel would be useful on this door !
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Fun Funny Joke
This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, 'I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove. 'So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, 'Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here. 'The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. 'Anything else, ' he questions. The hippie replies, 'Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove. 'Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, 'Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!'So the barkeep returns to the hippie. 'That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?' 'Yeah, ' the hippie says, 'but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove. 'The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie. 'You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!'
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Cannibal Joke
Two cannibals were having lunch. 'Your wife makes a great soup, ' said one to the other. 'Yes!' agreed the first. 'But I'm going to miss her terribly. '
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Instrument Joke
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?A: A flat minor. Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?A: A flat major. Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?A: Be flat, major. Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?A: See flat major. Q: What key is 'Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight' written in?A: C sharp or B flat. Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?A: A sharp major. Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?A: A natural major. Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?A: Root position cords.
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Short Joke
Signs Your Partner is - During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot. - His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser. - When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, 'Scroll down. ' - Tells everyone he's a pioneer in 'palm computing. ' - He's suing Playboy. com for repetitive stress injuries. - Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee. - When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, 'Boy, I'd like to click on her. ' - You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas. - As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday. - During sex, he shouts, 'Refresh! Refresh!' - His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. . . he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
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Marriage Joke
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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