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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of stand up comedy london and other funny jokes |
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Worst Joke
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. 'Care to go upstairs and do it?' the husband asked. 'Shh!' said the bride 'All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?'So, the following night, the husband asks, 'I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?''No, I definitely shut it, ' replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, 'I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?''No, thanks, ' said the husband. 'It was only a small load so I did it by hand. '
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Children Joke
Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his teacher told him how he felt. I feel with my hands Miss !
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Irish Joke
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. 'Jazus Mick. . . Well have to turn back. . . none of the equipment is working!. ' Mick says to Paddy; 'No Problem. . . Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window! 'OK!' says Paddy, 'Where are we then?'Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; 'Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North''Brilliant!' replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: ' Where are we now Mick?'Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; ' Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction. 'Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: ' Where are we now Mick?' Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; 'Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick. . . Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: 'That was Brilliant. . . But. . . Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats'. 'Well!' said Mick. . . When I pulled my hand back in. . My Watch was Gone!'
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Short Stupid Joke
Seen in the want ads:A tall well-built woman with goodreputation, who can cook frogslegs, who appreciates a good fuc-schia garden, classic music and tal-king without getting too serious. Feel free to apply, but please only read lines '1
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Computing Joke
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. 8. The U. S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light. 6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. 4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats. 3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal. 2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car. 1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
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E-mail Joke
How do mountainers send messages? By ski-mail.
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Parent Joke
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. . . [Five minutes later] 'Da-ad. . . ' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?' 'No. You had your chance. Lights out. ' [Five minutes later] 'Da-aaaad. . . ' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. . . Can I have a drink of water??' 'I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!' [Five minutes later] 'Daaaa-aaaArchive of stand up comedy london and other funny jokesD. . . ' 'WHAT??!!' 'When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?'
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Funny College Joke
Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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