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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of stand comedy glasgow and other funny jokes |
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Time Joke
One day a man met three beggars. To the first he gave a dime, to the second a dime, and to the third a nickel. What time was it? A quarter to three.
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Bar Joke - 2
One blond says to another, 'how did you die'? 'I froze to death, ' says the second. 'That's awful' says the first blonde. 'How does it feel to freeze to death?' 'It's very uncomfortable at first, ' says the second blonde. 'You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. ' 'How about you, how did you die?' asked the second blonde. 'I had a heart attack, ' says the first blonde. 'You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. 'What a pity . . . if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive. '
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Doctor Joke
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, 'Cover your right eye with your hand. ' He read the 20/20 line perfectly. 'Now your left. ' Again, a flawless read. 'Now both, ' I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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Comedy Joke
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. ' 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. ' 'Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. ' 'Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health. ' On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?' 'You're going to die, ' she replied.
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Funniest Joke
Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car. They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner. Hillary said ' NO! Then he would be the president of United States'
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Frog Joke
Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour ? A frog in a blender !
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Clean Joke
1. You know you have if you. . . notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad. 8. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you. 9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 11. You tell everyone you have to go home. . . and the party's at your place. 12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room. . . and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 17. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
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Joke of the Day
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?' 'I got it for my wife, eh. ' answers Bob. 'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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