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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of smiffys joke shop and other funny jokes |
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Christmas Joke - 1
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the houseI searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired, In hopes we could manage 'Some Assembly Required. 'The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat. . . . Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!When what to my worrying eyes should appear, But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, So if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, All over the carpet they were scattered about. 'Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand. ''Honey, ' said hubby, 'you just glued my hand. 'And then in a twinkling, I knew for a factThat all the toy dealers had indeed made a pactTo keep parents busy all Christmas Eve nightWith 'assembly required' till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thinBefore we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, 'This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, And not have to run to the store for a thing!We did it! We did it! The toys are all setFor the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!'Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded. . . I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
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Bumper Stickers - 6
Proud mother of a delinquent child!
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Love and Marriage Joke
Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.
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Stand Up Joke
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. 'Listen up!' Noah said with a demanding voice. 'There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back. 'After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. 'Quick!' he said, 'Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!'Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, 'Sorry, no land yet. ' 'Darn it!', exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, 'What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?''LOOK!', said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper. . . 'I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!'
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Various animal Joke
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold!
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Knock Knock Joke - 1
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cama.
Cama who?
Camalot is where King Arthur lived in days of old.
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Mother Joke
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved.
Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good. Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt.
Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery. His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out.
I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me. Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets. Your Father wanted to buy it from him. It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes.
Your loving Mother P. S. I was going to send you 10 Punt, but I'd already sealed the envelope.
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Spoof Joke
A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a drink. The bartender serves it up, and the neutron asks, 'Hey - how much?'Bartender replies, 'For you - no charge!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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