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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
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Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
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and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of silly scott and other funny jokes |
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Accountant Joke
Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it. 'What's wrong, little oil company?' said a gruff voice nearby. She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts. 'I can't find a dividend, ' she said and started crying again. 'Don't worry, ' said the creature. 'I can find you one. ' 'How?' said the oil company, 'And who are you?' 'I'm an accountant, ' he said. 'As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you. ' 'Yes, yes!' she said, anxious only to get the dividend. The accountant disap peared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers. 'I've found you a dividend, ' he said. Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed. The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before. 'I know what you're thinking, ' smiled the accountant. 'You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre. ' 'Then change back!' said t he oil company, clapping her hands. 'Are you crazy?' said the accountant. 'Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold. '
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Free Adult Joke
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, 'Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?' So the first man replies: 'Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony. ' 'That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, ' said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. 'It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here. ' Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 'Picture this, ' says the third man, 'I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator. . . '
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Instrument Joke
'Haven't I seen your face before?' a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. 'You have, Your Honor, ' the man answered hopefully. 'I gave your son violin lessons last winter. ''Ah, yes, ' recalled the judge. 'Twenty years!'
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Bumper Stickers - 2
DANGER: I drive like you do!
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Relationships Joke
AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. - Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom. - When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is. - Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. - A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent. - For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
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Old age Joke
My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.
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Sport Joke
Snowboarding Lessons When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: 'Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it. ' This is the voice of Satan. I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales. I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. 'I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets' is a typical breakfast order for me these days. This is because I went snowboarding. For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, 'Cool. ' People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together. We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill). If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, 'I'm just catching my breath!' in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw. At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance. So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing. In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range. Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you. Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope. Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete. You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head. ) We learned snowboarding via a two step method: Step One: Watching Brad do something. Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves. I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics. I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot. 'Keep your knees bent!' Brad would yell, helpfully. Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, 'Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!' Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me. If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
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Dirty Joke
Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, 'Darling, do you remember the minuet?' The other replies, 'Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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