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injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of silly limos and other funny jokes |
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Blonde Joke - 1
A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, 'Help me! My house is on fire! What do I do?!' Someone else yells, 'Call 911!' The blonde yells back, 'What's the number?'
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Restaurant Joke
Is your food spicy Sir ? No, smoke always comes out of my ears !
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Monster Joke
First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
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Yo momma Joke
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
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College Humor
1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib. . . baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in. 2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don't have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze. . . or even if you do. . . baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything. 3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer. . . but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance. 4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless. . . baby will find spot. 5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit. 6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today. . . size 3 on Wednesday. . . 7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while. 8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee. . . let's see if the washing machine has eaten today. . . 9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night. . . that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws. . 10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else's stash and the clothes look cleaner. . . just trade. . . they will probably be too tired to notice. . . )
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Friendship Joke
I got home from work last night and said to my wife, 'You are a one'She said 'What do you mean, I am a one?'I said, 'If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one'.
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Very Silly Joke
[To the tune of 'American Pie'] A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off his stock It fell just like a rock. It was a crazy, costly high-tech play As they slashed away at what subscribers pay And half their users went away the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Well for two days we've been on our own And dial-ins click on a rolling phone But that's not how it used to be When the mogul came to Virginia court With an OS icon and a browser port And a desktop that looked like Apple III. And while Jim Clark was looking down The mogul stole his thorny crown The browser war was turned. Mozilla. . . was spurned. And while Steve left users out to bond With hosts unable to respond 6 million newbies all were conned the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Da Chronic ducked their software guards And stole a million credit cards To use accounts he'd gotten free And so Steve Case went to the FBI and he told Boardwatch a little lie That hackers wanted child pornography But while Steve Case was looking down The hackers pulled his e-mail down They put it on the net. He can't be trusted yet! And while user cynicism climbs At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes They scan their e-mail for 'Good Times' the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Helter-skelter billing needs a melter The lawyers filed a class-action shelter Eight million in lawyer's fees. But it looks like some attorney jibe an hour if they resubscribe. To a service marketed for free Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading alt. aol-sucks. 'Until we bless the suit The settlement is moot. ' 'If AOL treats you like the Borg Then visit aolsucks. org Before some router pulls the cord. . . ' the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be sold off his home in Tennessee And headed for a 4-month end. Was he sad or just incensed when Case offered him his thirty cents. Billing is the devil's only friend. But as I read him on the page My hands were clenched in fists of rage. No 'Welcome' born in hell could ring that chatroom bell. And as chat freaks cried into the night CompuServe read their last rites. I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. I met a girl in Lobby 9 And I asked her if she'd stay on-line. But she just frowned and looked away. And I went back to the Member Lounge To see what loyalty I could scrounge But Room Host said the members went away. . . And on the net the modems scream At faster speeds and data streams. And not a tear was spoken. The hourly fees were broken. And the three men that I hated most Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost They couldn't dial up the host The day the service died.
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Joke for Kids
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man. If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing. If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding. If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man. If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing. If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy. If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her. If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her. If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way. If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'. If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage. If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics. If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring. If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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