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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of short dirty sms jokes and other funny jokes |
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Zodiac Joke
Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps . . .
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Stupid Blonde Joke
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said'CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES'. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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Burger Joke
What old-time song is the burgers' favourite? 'Hammy' - as sung by Al Jolson!
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Worlds Best Joke
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she wasbeing given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a roomwhere a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course theQueen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital. 'Ah, ' said the doctor, 'Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate thatyou should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode. ''Oh. ' said Her Majesty. 'Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable. 'Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was openand you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex. 'Goodness Gracious!' shrieked Her Majesty, 'I demand an explanation ofthis kind of sordid goings- on!''Ah, ' said the Doctor, 'same problem - better health plan. '
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Idiot and fool Joke
She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.
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Animal World
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker barin the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outsideto the parking meter?'A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his bodyhair growing out through the seams, turned slowly onhis stool, looked down at the quivering little manand said, 'It's my dog. Why?''Well, ' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir. ''What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in thehell kind of dog do you have?''Sir, ' answered the little man, 'It's a four week oldpuppy. ''Bull!' roared the biker, 'How could your puppy kill myDoberman?''It appears that he choked on it, sir. '
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Fun Funny Joke
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- 'Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too. 'Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, 'Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly. 'Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, 'No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?' Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel. 'Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?Why do they call it a 'building'? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built'?Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!'Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, 'Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff. 'Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, 'And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!' I think not.
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Stand Up Joke
A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm. She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, 'Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!'They looked up at her puzzled and asked, 'Was he sick yesterday?'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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