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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of short bar jokes and other funny jokes |
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Horse Joke
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 'All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine'. The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, 'It's no good, I'll have to do it' and yells, 'ALLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 'Nothing is wrong with me. It's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?' The trainer replies, 'Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he' blind!!!'.
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Dumb Blonde Joke
What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one? Between you and me we could make a lot of money!
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Bumper Stickers - 1
Dole for Pineapple.
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Politics Humor
One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. 'George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?' Clinton asked. 'Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, ' advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. 'Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?' Clinton asked. 'Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, ' advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. 'Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?' Clinton asked. Abe replied, 'Go to the theater. '
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Various animal Joke
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. 'Why did you do that?' the giraffe asks. 'When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason, ' the elephant replied. 'Wow! You must have a good memory!' exclaimed the giraffe. 'Yep!' said the elephant. 'I've got Turtle-Recall. '
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Heaven and hell Joke
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes, ' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now. ' 'Well, ' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter. ' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter, ' the professor ansvered. 'Im am not Saint Peter, ' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas. '
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Elderly People Joke
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, 'You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. The other woman turned to her and said 'I know! I heard it snoring!'
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Bumper Stickers - 7
When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'always. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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