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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of sex text message jokes and other funny jokes |
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Mother Joke
It is parents evening and a young teacher is called away in an emergency just before she is due to see the last set of her pupil's parents for the evening.
So she asks one of the other teachers to fill in for her. The other teacher agrees but asks for some background information before she meets the parents.
' Who is the pupil? ' the substitute teacher asks.
' Oh a lovely sweet little boy but he isn't that bright, can be a bit of a handful and seems more interested in play than work. '
' Right. ' says the substitute teacher as she is writing notes and then also asks, ' and the mother what about her? '
' Oh, she is a Korean lady, but unfortunately she thinks that her little boy is both an angel and a genius, so please be diplomatic when you talk with her, as she really got upset last time when I said I thought her son was probably not equipped for a future career in Medicine and that he might possibly have to consider an alternative career such as a chef. '
' Thanks for the warning,' says the substitute teacher and asks,' how about the father? He might be a little more realistic about his son, what's he like?'
' I am sorry but there it gets even worse. ' the teacher answers.
' What do you mean ?' asks the substitute.
' Well the Korean lady is a lessbian, you see and her girlfriend is Jewish! ' the teacher replies.
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Joke for Speeches
So you think your life is bad. . . Just think how bad the life of an egg is. . . You only get laid onceYou only get eaten onceIt takes 4 minutes to get hard and2 minutes to get softYou have to share a box with 11 other guysAnd the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
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Satire Joke
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, 'Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!'And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. 'Now watch, ' he said. Next he said, 'Dick, ten-HUT!' And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, 'Dick, at EASE!' And his dick deflated again. 'Wow, that was amazing, ' said his wife. 'Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!'The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, 'Now watch this. ' Then he said 'Dick, ten-HUT!' and the dick sprang to life. Then it was 'Dick, at EASE!' But nothing happened. So the guy again said, 'Dick, at EASE!' But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, 'For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!' Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. 'What in the world are you doing!?' she asked. The guy says. . . 'I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!'
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Bar Joke , beer, booze and fun!
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. 'Sorry I can't serve you, ' states the barman. 'Why not?!' asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. 'You're under '18
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Aviation Joke
What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner? A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.
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Village Idiot Joke
Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff? He wanted to try out his new air brakes.
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Restaurant Joke
Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder! I don't know - friendly thing isn't he !
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Sport Joke
What lights up a football stadium?A football match! If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?Cornflakes! Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?Because there is no atmosphere! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?Webley stadium! When fish play football, who is the captain?The team's kipper! Ref: I'm sending you off Player: What for?Ref: The rest of the match! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?They tend to go cheep! What is a goal keepers favourite snack?Beans on post!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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