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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of roald dahl funny prize and other funny jokes |
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Space Joke
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. 'Mr. President, ' said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, 'there's good news & bad news. ' 'Oh, no, ' muttered the President, 'Well, let me have the bad news first. ' 'The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet. ' 'Gosh, and the good news?' 'The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil. '
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aretha ! Aretha who ? Aretha flowers !
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Car and train Joke
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, 'Fill it up, will you?'. The man says 'Sorry - we're right out of petrol. ' So the man considers, and says 'Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?' And the attendant responds'Sorry, but no oil either. ' The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant 'Just what kind of petrol station is this ?' The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man 'To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front. ' The man then says 'Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !'
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Criminal Joke
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. 'Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. 'Yes, ' replied the murderer. 'Will you hold my hand?'
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Village Idiot Joke
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? A: Optimistic!Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? A: Free Parking. Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A: Sole use of the elevator. Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? A: It's bike is outside. Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? A: There is a dent in the cross-bar. Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen. Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Bloody great holes all over Australia. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? A: Elephino. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals? A: So that they don't sink in the sand. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
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Dumb Blonde Joke
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seven. . . one to mix the batter and six to peel the M&Ms.
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Bumper Stickers - 2
Boldly going nowhere
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Joke for Halloween
The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl. The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper. The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back. The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more. The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done. The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo. The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water. The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air. The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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