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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of rising damp comedy and other funny jokes |
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Dog Joke - 1
A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said 'Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!' The dog said 'Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!' The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog 'Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??' 'Sure!' Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left. When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said 'It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me' The owner was livid 'It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over. The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady poodle. 'ROVER!' Shouted the owner 'You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!' The dog replied 'I've never had a fiver before!'
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Car and train Joke
In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse. They angrily look one at the other. Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading. The other one politely asks, 'When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?'
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Bumper Stickers - 2
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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Joke of the Day
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness. Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, 'What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park. 'The man said, 'But officer this is my wife. 'The officer said, 'Oh, I didn't know she was your wife. 'The man said, 'Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her. '
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Joke for Speeches
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, 'How do you like the place?''It's okay, ' he said. 'But, they won't let me fart!'
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Simple Joke
A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk. 'How much is that television set?' she asks. 'Sorry, we don't sell to blondes, ' the clerk said. So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks 'How much is that television set behind you?'The clerk replies, 'Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. 'Again, the girl walks out. She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks 'How much is that television set behind you?' The clerk again replies, 'We don't sell to blondes!'Well, the girl was kind of suspicious. She asks carefully, 'How do you know I'm a blond?'The clerk looks at the girl and says. . . 'Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!'
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Free Adult Joke
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Question: What is one horsepower?Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. Talc is found in rocks and on babies. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado. Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison. When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. Clouds are high flying fogs. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. One hundred humidities equal 1 rain. Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of '1
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Lawyer Joke
What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, . . . . . . . not counting the urn!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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