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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of pranks and practical jokes and other funny jokes |
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Horse Joke
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
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Police Joke
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, 'STOP! Acts 2:38!' ('Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. ') As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, 'Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse. ' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an axe and two 38's!'
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Cow Joke
What do cows usually fly around in? Helicowpters and Bulloons.
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Police Joke
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, 'How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?'
'No,' replied the nervous immigrant.
'Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?'
'No. '
'Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?'
'No. '
'Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?' asked the exasperated police officer.
'Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!' He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, 'What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?'
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Funny College Joke
How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.
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Dumb People Joke
Windows-A danger zone for Fido. Modem-A good way to get rid ofweeds. Mouse-Something the cat chases.
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Idiot and fool Joke
Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says 'I want four budgies. ' Salesman-certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman-certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr. . . Newfie - I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? Salesman - O. K. O. K. The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom. The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says 'What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be!'
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Computer Joke
1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 3. All monitors display inch-high letters. 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing 'ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES' on any keyboard. 7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing 'UPLOAD VIRUS. ' (See 'Fortress') 8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. 9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. 10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. 11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. 12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. 13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See 'Demolition Man' and countless others) 14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second. 15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. 16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e. g. , 'Clear and Present Danger') 17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. 18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. 19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ('Aliens'). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled. 20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP. 22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See 'Alien,' '2001')
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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