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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of practical joke letters and other funny jokes |
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Kids Puns
The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?A: A Doberman pinscher. Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors. A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, 'Lawyers are horses' asses. 'Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: 'Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country. 'Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. 'I don't understand, ' Cindy complained. 'When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?' Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, 'Maybe it just saves time. 'Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. 'Look, ' said one to the other, 'Let's be honest with each other. ''Okay, you first, ' replied the other. That was the end of the discussion. An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. 'All set back here, Captain, ' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards. 'As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, 'Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?''There's a big fire across the street, ' the doctor replied. 'We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure. ''Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first. ' You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge. Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basementA: A whine cellar. Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are 'avocat' in French)A: Both have hearts like stones. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Miscellaneous Joke
'The gene pool could use a little chlorine. ''All generalizations are false. ''Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. ''Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. ''I love cats. . . they taste just like chicken''Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. ''Seen on an old, beat-up car: 'This is not an abandoned vehicle. ''Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons. ''Born Free. . . . . Taxed to Death''Cover me. I'm changing lanes. ''As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools''Happiness is a belt-fed weapon''The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. ''Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. ''Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. ''REHAB is for quitters''I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!''Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep''All men are Idiots, and I married their King!''E. coli Happens''Ashes to ashes. . dust to dust. . get off my ass you crazy nut!''Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician''If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. ''SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver''I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. . . . ''Towers will be violated''Work is for people who don't know how to fish''Sex is a misdemeanor. . . the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ''End rape. Say 'Yes!'''I KNOW JACK SHIT!''Montana --- At least our cows are sane!''I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ''Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus. ''Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. ''Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!''It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. ''If you don't like the news, go out and make some. ''I Brake For No Apparent Reason. ''When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ''Sorry, I don't date outside my species. ''Nobody's ugly after 2 a. m. ! ''Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. ''Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. ''Wink, I'll do the rest!''I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!''No Radio - Already Stolen''Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. ''Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. ''I took an IQ test and the results were negative. ''When there's a will, I want to be in it!''Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?''If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?''Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ''I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!''I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!''Assassins do it from behind!''Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!''Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!''Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist. ''IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. ''Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!''Which came first? The woman or the department store?''LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice. ''It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. ''LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools. ''According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. ''Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them. ''Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. ''A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. ''Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!''How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?''I'm not as think as you drunk I am''First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering'Seen on a woman's car: 'Men call us birds, we pick up worms''Don't come knocking if the car is rocking''Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter''Forget about World Peace. . . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ''Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. ''Give me ambiguity or give me something else. ''We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?''We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. ''Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. ''He who laughs last thinks slowest''Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. ''Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. ''Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. ''Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ''Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. ''Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. ''i souport publik edekasion''The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. ''We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated. ''Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ''Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. . . ''3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. ''Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?''Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?''Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'. . till you can find a rock. ''2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. ''I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. ''I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ''Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy. ''I is a college student. ''Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ''Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. ''Eschew obfuscation. ''God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!''I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?''CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason. ''We're staying together for the sake of the cats. ''It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. ''My karma ran over your dogma. ''Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. ''I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. ''Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. ''Welcome to Texas, now go home. ''It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you. ''If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. ''Life's too short to dance with ugly men. ''Life's too short to dance with ugly women. ''My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. ''When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS). ''Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. ''Sorry, I don't date outside my species. ''Will Rogers never met a lawyer. ''Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. ''It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. ''Don't steal. The government hates competition. ''Is there life before coffee?''Never play leap frog with a unicorn. ''Nobody's ugly after 2 a. m''The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. ''I Cayman went. ''My other wife is beautiful. ''I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?''Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. ''Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. ''Nuke the unborn baby whales. ''Geez if you belive in honkus. ''Friends don't let friends drive naked. ''Save California; when you leave take someone with you. ''I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. ''There's one in every crowd and they always find me. ''If money could talk, it would say goodbye. ''When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. ''Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. ''If it's too loud, you're too old. ''The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. ''Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. ''Who cares who's on board?''Die Yuppie Scum. ''Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. ''Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. ''Women make great leaders. You're following one now. ''Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities. ''Exxon Suxx. ''Honk if you love cheeses. ''Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. ''I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. ''So many pedestrians, so little time. '
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Dentist Joke
What game did the dentist play when she was a child?. . . Caps and robbers
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Romance Joke
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, 'I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with. ' 'What do you mean?' asked the attorney. 'Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?' 'No, ' replied the woman, 'and neither does the little queer. '
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At Work Joke
Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to GeorgeCostanza, one should also always try to look impatientand annoyed to give your bosses the impression thatyou are always busy.
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E-mail Joke
How do comedians send messages? By tee-hee mail.
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History Joke
What was King Arthur's favourite game ? Knights and crosses !
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Marriage Joke
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. 'Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. 'If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. ' On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?' 'He said you're going to die, ' she replied.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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