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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of porth joke campsite and other funny jokes |
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Bar Joke - 2
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. 'There are too many business grads out there, ' he said. 'If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened. ' Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot, ' the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!' A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. 'He was seen hopping and jumping around, ' said police spokesman Mike Carey, 'with an explosion taking place inside his pants. ' Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. A man spoke frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No, you idiot!' the man shouted. 'This is her husband!' In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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Random Joke
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, 'You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!'. The blind man retorted, 'I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass'!
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Just for Laughs Joke
One day the different parts of the body were having anargument to see which should be in charge. The brain said 'I do all the thinking so I'm the mostimportant and I should be in charge. 'The eyes said 'I see everything and let the rest of youknow where we are, so I'm the most important and Ishould be in charge. 'The hands said 'Without me we wouldn't be able to pickanything up or move anything. So I'm the most importantand I should be in charge. 'The stomach said 'I turn the food we eat into energy forthe rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the mostimportant and I should be in charge. 'The legs said 'Without me we wouldn't be able to moveanywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be incharge. 'Then the rectum said 'I think I should be in charge. 'All the rest of the parts said 'YOU?!? You don't doanything! You're not important! You can't be in charge. 'So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were allwobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this andagreed to put the rectum in charge. Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to bein charge, just an a - - hole.
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Bus Joke
How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar? Throw it under a bus.
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Basket ! Basket who ? Basket home, it's nearly dark!
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Burger Joke
Which type of comedy leaves a hamburger cold? BITING humour!
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Drunks Joke
The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse. . . I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. Iwithdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down thesink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew thecork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exceptionof one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thirdbottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled thecork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down theglass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next anddrank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled thesink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then Icorked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, countedthe glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which weretwenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally Ihad all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under theaffluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk asyou might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and thedrunker I stand here, the longer I get.
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Joke Online
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?A: You only have to teach them to take off!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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