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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of pets fun house game and other funny jokes |
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Free Adult Joke
Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later. Prefers three left turns to one right turn. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere. Produces a zero-length core dump. Proof God has a sense of humor. Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway. Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk. Reads her newspaper back-to-front. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek. Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society. Receiver is off the hook. Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons. Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy. Reset line is glitching. Result of a first cousin marriage. Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain. Room for rent, unfurnished. RS232C brain with a DIN connector. Running at 300 baud. Running on a 286. Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term. )
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Animal World
A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. 'This is a talking dog, ' hesaid. 'And you can have him for five dollars. ' The neighbour said, 'Who doyou think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no suchanimal. 'Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. 'Please buy me, Sir, ' hepleaded. 'This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog inAmerica. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated tentimes. ''Hey!' said the neighbour. 'He can talk. Why do you want to sell him forjust five dollars?' 'Because, ' said the seller, 'I'm getting tired of allhis lies. '
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Gender Joke
Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. Same work. . . . more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don't mooch off others' desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. ESPN's sports center. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn't pretend you're 'freshening up' to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So. . . notice anything different?' Baywatch There is always a game on somewhere.
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College Humor
Why is 6 scared of 7?Because 7 ate nine! ('7
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Humorous Joke
Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it. After two hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. 'So, did you tell her?' Asks Jeff. 'Yep. ' Replies Bob. 'Hey, where did you get the six-pack?' 'She gave it to me. ' 'What?!' Exclaims Jeff. 'You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six-pack?!' 'Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve's widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no. . I'm not a widow. You must be mistaken. ' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you are!''
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Birthday Joke
Home - A - Age Jokes 'That's an excellent essay for someone your age, ' said the English teacher. 'How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?' 'Welcome to school, Simon, ' said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. 'How old are you?' 'I'm not old, ' said Simon. 'I'm nearly new. ' Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. 'How old are you, ma'am?' asked Fred. 'I'm not going to tell you that, ' she replied. 'But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were. ' 'Oh well, ' said Miss Jones. 'I'm the same age as both of them. ' The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. 'Now remember, boys and girls, ' said the science teacher, 'you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year. ' Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. 'I'm not eating that, Mum!' she said. 'It's five years old. ' Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That's right, ' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead. ' `Well, sir, ' said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday. ' The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!'
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Music Joke
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn!
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Christmas Joke - 2
Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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