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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of pensioner jokes and other funny jokes |
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Time Joke
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
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Funny Famous Joke
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, 'Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?''Well, ' says Sophie, 'when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash. ''What if he has an erection?' asks one of the women. 'Honey, ' says Sophie, 'on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*!'
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bull ! Bull who ? Bull the chain when your done !
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Joke for Kids
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is usually right. Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success is always done in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers. Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevidable - except from vending machines. Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss. A fool and his money will soon be partying. Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation. Plan to be spontanious tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route. 'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. . . 'Everyone repeat after me. . . 'we are all individuals. . . 'Death to all fanatics!!Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener. Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks. . . Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now. Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet enginesBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
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Easter Joke
Where do Easter bunnies dance? At the basketball.
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Cowboy Joke
Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, 'Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!'
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Bed Joke
Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.
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Miscellaneous Joke
John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. 'You'll recognize me, ' she wrote, 'by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel. ' So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. 'Going my way, sailor?' she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past '40
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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