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Bar Joke - 1
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, 'Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight. ' The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, 'Gimme another one. ' The bartender pours the drink, but says, 'Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?'So, the man begins his tale. 'Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before. ' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true. 'He continued, 'She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door. ''The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'''So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me. 'The bartender says 'Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point. ''Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down. ''Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there. ' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now. ' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!'The bartender says, 'Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure. ' 'No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass. 'The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, 'Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset. ''No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though. 'The bartender then asks in exasperation, 'Well, then, what did finally make you anger?''Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground. '
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Criminal Joke
A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, 'This is a muck up!' 'Don't you mean a stick up?' asked the girl. 'No, ' said the robber, 'it's a muckup. I've forgotten my gun. '
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Business Joke
The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work. Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work. There are '2
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Bar Joke - 1
1. Coca-cola was originally green. 2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. 3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. 4. Dumbest dog: Afghan5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. 6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 28. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $'40
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Bumper Stickers - 3
Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
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Joke for Halloween
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years agothat I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards. . .
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Sporting Joke
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, 'Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing. ' The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, 'Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him. ' The Lord smiled. 'Think about it-who can he tell?'
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Sporting Joke
As John Madden says, 'If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day. '
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