|
|
|
The
Best Humor Sites on the Internet |
|
Christmas Jokes
Funny Jokes Online
MOCKERY
Ghost Pictures
Ghost Stories
Hilarious Horoscopes
Bizarre Webcam
notMENSA
society for the stupid
Cheap posters
Raunchiest Riddles
Worst Jobs in the World
Love Poems
Inspirational Poems
Funny Poems
Famous Poems
Free Diet Plans
Top Paying
Keywords
Keyword Suggestions
Everything you want to know about everything!
Weird eBay
mesothelioma types
Top 100 Baby Names
flowers online
Poker Articles
Free View Webcams
Work from Home
World History
Baby Name Chooser
Text Links
Online Advertising
Flowers
Top searches
Weird Website
Children's Books
Scottish Jokes
Robert Burns Poems
Midge Jokes
Fathers Jokes
Funny Jokes
Love Quotes
Famous Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Friendship Quotes
Get Found
anime girls
5QS |
|
|
No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
| |
|
|
Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
|
|
|
Archive of office practical joke ideas and other funny jokes |
|
Joke Online
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh, ' it's already too late Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Super glue is forever McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water Pool filters do not like Jello VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do Always look in the oven before you turn it on The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy It will however make cats dizzy Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
= = = = = = = = = =
Police Joke
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, That's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from. '
= = = = = = = = = =
Food Joke
What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down? Crumbs!
= = = = = = = = = =
Computer Joke
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee. . David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of error). George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November. Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, 'I'm not Santa Claus. ' PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a 'virus', but instead refers to itself as an 'electronic microorganism'. Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the 'Tricky Dick Virus', you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints 'Oh no you don't' whenever you choose 'Abort' from the 'Abort, Retry, Fail' message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
= = = = = = = = = =
Best Joke Online
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!'Who's been eating my porridge, ' he squeaks?Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! 'Who's been eating my porridge!, ' he roars?Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells -'For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?''It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first. ''It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up. ''It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee. ''It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away. ''It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. ''It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table. ''It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. ''And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, . . . listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time. . . 'I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!'
= = = = = = = = = =
Joke for Halloween
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D. C.
= = = = = = = = = =
Heaven and hell Joke
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: 'Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said, 'Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time. 'And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou rt without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, 'I don't understand it!' The young beauty answered, 'Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck. '
= = = = = = = = = =
Bar Joke - 1
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, 'See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!' She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, 'See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!' She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, 'Why are you in such a hurry to leave?' She replies, 'With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!'
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
|
| |
|
